I think I like this place better

now that it's nearly empty. Hehehehe. Either that or, I just want something more spacious. :)

My First Quarter Storm

this first quarter of 2009 has largely been a period of transitioning, packing away, and closing shop. so many accumulated moments over the course of seven years have to be stowed away in less than two weeks. what a challenge!

i know i'm a neat freak, and i like fixing and organizing things, but, doing all of this alone is not exactly a therapeutic activity. the task is bittersweet. trying to fit one life into a maximum of ten boxes is hard enough, let alone two.

yes, we're moving out of our little home. all our books have been packed, and little by little the decor are going into boxes. the kitchen is nearly empty, save for the utensils and cooking implements i still use. and my coffee mug. all that's left to pack are work files and personal documents, and then our clothes. on the one hand, saying goodbye to our first home means we're moving on to possibly bigger, and better things. but still, it;s saying goodbye. and i'm not good with goodbyes.

simultaneously, i've had to push myself to bring my academic pursuits to a close. long days and interminable nights poring over documents, researches, interviews, information tidbits and issues was a challenge. but the task of synthesizing everything into a study worthy of publication was a totally consuming endeavor, one i thought would never end. but it has. there were moments when i wondered why i took this on in the first place. but i know secretly i liked having something to occupy my time for the past 5 years. but that's coming to a close too; it's a life i am graduating from in a couple of weeks.

thanks to my studies, though, i am saying goodbye to a life of wandering and wondering. i can't say i've discovered my true calling but i think i now have an idea of what it could be. i'll keep everyone in suspense for the moment, until i'm really sure and can make an announcement. so this goodbye is good i suppose. i hope.

it's a little surreal that all this can happen at the same time. having to face it all has made me weak sometimes, but i know i'll look back and pat myself on the back for having survived it. and i'm looking forward to that day. actually i'm looking forward to the hugs and hellos that are coming my way soon.

i'm not sure if it was eckhart tolle who said that, you experience closings and endings in life so that you can make way for the happiness that wants to set up shop. so you're actually making space for the good things.

i suppose all the goodbyes are happening now so that there'll be space for all the good things about to happen. the hugs and hellos will be so much sweeter, and i'm not just talking about the ones i'll be getting from the hubby, but the ones i know will be coming from the universe.

Today was D-Day

And I survived. There are a few more things to fix, but for all intents and purposes, I passed.

:)

So why doesn't it feel like there should be a celebration?

I just wanted to say

I'm really tired and a heavy depression is settling. Three months of this brainwashes you into a routine that slowly deteriorates into a rut which crumbles into loneliness and then settles thickly on your spirit in a depression.

Suddenly you can't see past the next hour, despite the fact you've been staring at nothing nearly the whole day.

I hope this is just today, and tomorrow will be better.

Eheads Forever

Malungkot na masaya. Nun ko lang naintindihan yung nararamdaman ko, habang lumalabas ng concert grounds ng SM Mall of Asia kanina, kasama ang halos 150,000 tao. Tapos na kasi talaga ang yugto ng buhay ko na pinuno ng Eraserheads ng kanilang mga kanta, na nagpalalim sa mga alaala. Inangat ni Ely ang kanyang gitara, at sinunog ang kanyang piano. Hinagis ni Raimund ang drumsticks sa mga manonood, nagbigay-pugay naman si Buddy at si Marcus.

Ito na ang huling pagkakataon kong kakantahin ang Pare Ko, Minsan, at Kailan, kasama ang Eraserheads bilang banda. Simula bukas, sa cd o MP3, at sa alaala ko na lang sila mapapakinggan nang sama-sama. Kaya naman kahit namamanhid na ang binti sa kakatayo't sa kakatalon, malat na ang boses at sumasakit ang lalamunan, sinabayan ko sila sa tugtog at hinigitan pa ang sigaw ng mga katabi ko. Ibigay na natin lahat. Ito na ang huling El Bimbo.

Malungkot. Pero masaya, kasi napagbigyan pa rin kami. Masaya kasi, nanumbalik yung mga alaala ng isang panahong nagigising ka sa maraming katotohanan at problema, tagumpay at kaibigan. Isama na rin natin ang ka-ibigan. Yiheeee! Gaya nga ng sabi ni Ely, "every generation has its soundtrack." Ang mga kanta nila ang OST ng buhay ko. Nakakatuwang isipin na sa gitna ng pagkamulat o pagkamuhi sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko, kasama ko sila. "Andito ka ay ayos na."

Anim na oras kaming tumayo, sumayaw, sumigaw at nagpalitan ng pawis (with matching pa-simple na sikuhan, at apakan ng paa para lang di maagaw ang pwesto). Walang patid ang ligaya, at may pasobra pa -- kung kelan akala namin uwian na. Haha, sila lang ang makakagawa nun: pabalikin ng walang pwersa ang mga taong nakalabas na sa kalye. "Three more for the road" daw, sabi ni Ely. Kahit sampu pa, kakayanin namin.

But all good things must come to an end. Panahon na para mag-move on. It was good while it lasted. Thanks for all the memories (and fish). Ano pang naiisip niyong cliche? Idagdag niyo rito :) Pero kailangan na natin silang pakawalan. We'll always have the music.

Simula bukas sa CD o MP3 ko na lang sila mapapakinggan bilang banda. Pero magpakailanman, sila ang Eraserheads.

Group hug!
photo from www.odysseylive.net

"Wala"

Today I accomplished all the wasteful documents and patiently went through all the superfluous processes to cement my d-day...Defense day, that is.

All these unnecessary steps just to get your thesis submitted to the dean of the college, and to your panel (who have all read it already anyway) is absolutely crazy-making. Imagine, I had to fill out a form that simply indicated the time and date of my defense, aside from my name. And I had to fill that out in triplicate! I had to get individual signatures on a piece of paper from my panel, photocopy my application for defense and print and bind 4 copies of my 157-page manuscript. We kill too many trees, with the useless paper-shuffling. Too much formality and nitty-grittying for such a simple thing will more likely cause confusion and human error. No amount of paper work ensures efficiency.

Mah, but that's all in the past now. The point is, I submitted my thesis to my panel and to the dean. I am defending two Mondays hence. I am nervous, and I am anticipating the worst. But Ma'am Rose, my adviser, reminded me to think positive. Just relax, be yourself and prepare your presentation. I asked her for tips. She said, just keep your presentation to twenty minutes max. I asked her about what questions the panel may ask. She said, just discuss your methodology and most especially your framework, and devote more time to your results discussion.

I then asked her, what weaknesses do you see in my study, that I should address during my defense? She looked at me, looked away and said, "wala."