This is funny!

HAHAHA! chanced on this blog. Interesting read.

Another Quiz!

Many thanks, sunshinysarcasm! :)

Love me or hate me. I taste like Marmite. I am salty and sharp. My abrasive edge greatly upsets some people, but others will gleefully endure it. For those willing to put up with me, I am a great source of emotional health and stability. What Flavour Are You?

Settling for the practical

Sometimes I feel like I settled for a pair of shoes because they were the practical choice, not because they were the ones I wanted. Badly.

Earlier today I visited the dream interpretation website. I use it constantly to help me analyze my dreams and see what new images my subconscious is using to tell me to kick my butt into action. I was a bit saddened by the interpretation. In the past the interpretations seemed to have a voice of authority, a shoving and imperative tone, telling me I should do this, I should do that. Now!

But today, the voice sounded...resigned. As if trying to say, you missed it. You missed the train. I told you so. Now you're not on it and you don't know when the next one will come. Then there's the seemingly audible shrug of the shoulders. "I told you to do something about it then, and you didn't, and this is what you get."

It felt as if there was nothing left to do.

But there is, right? All of a sudden I was asking the bathroom mirror if I should go on believing these interpretations, which led to the question, should I continue listening to my dreams? I'm confused again. Just when I thought I was going to do ok, my mind tells me I'm not.

So did I reach for the hideous boys' loafers instead of the delicate felt kung-fu shoes I've been dying to own?

Rx for an overworked PM: two glasses of water for every cup of coffee
photo by me

paper oppression
photo by me

work that never seems to get done
photo by me

Earned Value

I feel like I've been on vacation this whole week. It's great to be away from the office for a while, and learn something new. I've been attending a great seminar on project management that's taught me a lot--especially about where I am and what I can do at this time. It feels good to be appreciated and recognized for things I knew I was good at, but wasn't sure if other people saw too.

Then again, I have to stop thinking about other people, don't I?

Now I know where to put myself, in a manner of speaking. I know how I fit, at least for now. And I think, the most important thing I gained was the desire to know more. I want to go on learning--these are lessons I can actually use and apply, and these have confirmed the skills I know I am good at. It feels good. It feels really good.

My classmates were very interesting. They shared so much, and I was just too happy to learn from them. These were real experts talking, and four days with them were enough to make me excited to get back to work and fix the messy systems in the office and the projects I'm handling.

Another plus--I've been sleeping over at Tita Cel's here in Makati. Her condo's a stone's throw away from Ateneo and I blissfully "walk to school" everyday. :) It's fabulous! I can wake up late, take my time, and still be on time for class. Hehe.

Hanging out here also, while Tita Cel is still at work, makes me want to get my own place more and more. I have to wait again though. But I think the next time I seek out a house, I will get it, without a hitch.

I know I will.

I feel rested. I feel relaxed and rested. I think I generally feel better than I did for the past half month. I'm looking forward to keeping this feeling for some time. :)

Seizing the Moment

I had a moment with Lola today. She was talking about how I resembled her in her younger days: the height and the built. Then she said, well, I think she was trying to say, even the way I smiled. She smiled herself and she was trying to point out how we both has the same features and the same smile.

Then she pulled me close and said – or I think she was trying to say – just keep smiling. Always smile. In spite of what’s going on around you, you should just keep smiling. Smiling will make you happy.

Then she said, -- or I think she was trying to say – your eyes, your eyes will show your happiness and beauty. At night you should just smile, put cream and you will be beautiful. And don’t let anybody tell you you aren’t.

It was a moment. Then it was gone, but I’m glad I was there to receive that blessing. I have not spent time with Lola for the past decade and I am only beginning to catch up now, when I have the chance. Those chances don’t even come very often. But it’s better than nothing. And it feels good to know I am doing something about it.

That chance came today. Today of all days, as we bid Tita Tosca a final goodbye with a mass and what she called a “funeral” party. It rained before the mass, drizzled after. There was a gentle shower as her family laid her to rest in her mortuary then the rain began again at the party. It was really loud—so many people were there: relatives and all the friends she made through her ministry. What was nice was most of my cousins were there. Giselle was there and it was so good to see her. It was nice to talk to her, but I wish I could spend more time with her. Sofia wasn’t with her and I really wanted to see her. Too bad. Hopefully there’ll be another chance for that. I also saw two of my cousins for the first time in like, 15 years: Alec and Lyka! And I saw Charisse again after a super long time, which was good.

Funny how we all get to see each other lang during occasions like these. But I’ll take it if that’s how we should all start coming together again. It was good to see Papa, Tito Noel and Tito Alan talking again, together. Too bad Tita Meg and Tita Caress couldn’t come home.

I was thinking, Tita Tosca was sending us a sign. She was the symbol of reconciliation. She was able, in my opinion to patch up all the old hurts. She paved the way for the siblings to talk again. So many missed years and opportunities and occasions will have changed the person you thought you were, and you really can’t help but touch base with the people who will know the core of your being throughout all these changes. It’s important to reconcile with yourself and the people around you, the events you made happen, and the choices that brought you where you are today.

She forged the path towards which all our individual paths would cross again. And it was a good thing, a very good thing. Now that we cousins are all older, all wiser, all with their own lives and opinions and beliefs, we can jump start our relationships with each other anew. We’re free and independent of what the previous generation’s damages have caused. We’re allowed to come together on our own and make things right.

She helped me see how important it was not to give up even when all hope seemed lost. That in spite of the looming darkness, there will be infinitely more good things that will come out of it. There is still something to look forward to, and that as long as you don’t give up, there always will be.

She was a fighter, that’s for sure. She gave it her all til the last and I admire her for it. I may not have been as close to her but the few things she taught me in the last few weeks are enough for me to always remember her wisdom and her love.

I’m sure she loved all of us, even though we never really had much of a chance to show it. I guess it’s time to pass it on among us, that same love she wished to see among her siblings. I guess that’s what she would want.

I know she did not lose us in death, nor did we lose her. She will continue to live in all of us, and all around us, because of all that she allowed to happen. What a miracle she is, and miracles like these can only happen with love.

Still about shoes

I remember when I was first grade, the fashion among my 7-8 year old crowd were them kung foo shoes: you know, the black felt ones that had a strap and buckle that fastened on the outer side of the foot? They were adorable! At least I thought they were. And they looked so comfortable. Most of my classmates had them. Some of them were making plans to buy theirs in the middle of the year.

Me? I had on those chunky-looking boys' shoes.

I pleaded my mother to get me those shoes, but she wouldn't hear of it. "Your shoes fit you. They look fine. They're matibay. They won't wear out easily. So stop asking me to buy you another pair you don't need."

Matibay. That was a death sentence. That meant walking around in those horrendous flaps of leather for the next nine months. There was nothing I could do. I was brought up by a mother who sported the philosophy "When I say no, I mean NO!" and "makuha ka sa isang tingin!" Which simply meant that no amount of whining, pouting and tantum-throwing will gt you anythng--except perhaps a spanking.

So with a heavy heart, I bowed my head, let the tears run down my face and my lower lip hang, as i trudged off to school in my heavy leather loafers.

I watched my classmates run around the hall ways in their kung foos. They seemed so light, like they were perpetually frolicking and soaring through the playground. I watched them run around, kick their feet high up in the air on a swing, jump into the sandboxes and out again, all in one breath. I promised myself then, that when I got the chance, I would only buy the shoes I wanted, and I would never buy those boy shoes again. I did not want to be in something prescribed for me. I wanted to be in a pair of shoes that made me feel pretty and light and free.

I wanted to be free. Free from those heavy leather shoes with their heavy rubber soles and the way the hard leather cut into the skin of my feet. I wanted to be free to choose what I wanted. And I wanted to choose my own shoes.

Now that I can afford to do that, I made sure I bought shoes that gave me neither cuts nor corns. I made sure my toes could breathe and the back side of my foot would be free from those dark peeling callouses . I made sure they were pretty and sexy and pointy and colorful. Most of all I made sure they made me feel good, they gave me freedom, they allowed me to be me.

But I soon realized there was another price to pay for all these.

Another Day Like This

Nauseated and feeling a bit woozy, I wait for my mom to pick me up here at the office.

Tita Tosca passed away today at 3.20 pm.

Maybe I will see her for the last time today. Maybe I won't. I will have to help my cousins bear the grief of losing their mom, my dad's loss of an older sister, my lola's loss of her first-born daughter.

Things aren't well. They aren't well at all.

I Remember

what it was like to be new again. That was just two years ago. I remember how angry and frustrated I was, how confused and stressed I felt, how thin I got.

It was scary.

It still happens to me. Quite often. Gari told me I was entering a new phase that's why all this is happening to me. In my opinion, it's a lot like shoes. It hurts really bad when you have to break in a new pair of leather shoes--well, any shoes for that matter. I remember when I was still in grade school--everyday for two weeks, I had to wear band aids where the shoes scuffed at my skin: behind my foot, below the ankle, on the protruding bone below my pinky and big toe, the corns on my second and middle toes. ANd these were on both feet.

I remember how painful they'd be. It was a pinching, sometimes searing, pain. The soft white skin would peel off and then you'd see the second layer, now pink and raw, and the more you tried to walk the more it hurt and then it would start to bleed. And you couldn't walk anymore. Sometimes taking your socks off made you cry because it would stick to the wet, raw wounds.

Sometimes I got pretty shoes, nice and pointy with a dainty design somewhere. THere were days when all my mom could afford were those horrendous-looking boys' shoes that I absolutely detested. But I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't want to go to school barefoot.

Life's like that sometimes. When you have to enter a new chapter in life, it's like breaking in a new pair of shoes. Sometimes you're breaking into something nice, sometimes it's ugly, but you have to do it.

Then the wounds come. And you have to force yourself not to feel the pain and keep going. Sometimes you run out of band aids. And sometimes because of that you have to go on barefoot.

But you go on.

The Dalai Lama says...

The purpose of all the major religious traditions is not to construct big temples on the outside, but to create temples of goodness and compassion inside, in our hearts.

Turn at the Swing

Now something really funny happened to me. It was my turn I guess to be taken aback by a quiet snub. I'm both amused and a little---miffed. It was the lady's turn to give me a dose of my own medicine.

Hahaha! This is so weirrrrrrrrd. I suddenly thought of the things that could've happened over the weekend--maybe something about me was discovered. I had said something and it was found out. Maybe my cousin was bullying her kid at school. Egad! Will you look at that? And here I told myself not to concern myself with what other people thought anymore. I can't believe I'm suddenly feeling stressed.

Greetings would always come to me, not the other way around. This time, there wasn't even as much as a glance.

My gad! I can't believe this. I can't believe I'm actually obsessing and abcessing from something so insignificant. I hope it was insignificant. I thought I was on the way to closure and maturity and maybe, even maybe, a comfortable acquaintance.

Shiyet. Hahahahha! This is so bizarre! I 'd better stop now. This isn't doing me any good.

A Marketplace for Writers

Hmmm, found this site while surfing.

It's a site for writers to get published online. And everytime your article/blog entry/column is read, you get paid! Cool, huh?

The only thing stopping me is a $5.95 monthly membership fee. This is where Blogit! gets the money to pay the writers. So if Juan and Maria are both writers for Blogit! and Maria gets read more than Juan, then more of the $5.95 will go to Maria. I think they're like hits in a website.

$5.95...hmmm...I do want to start writing again. And I want to earn from it too. I'll have to seriously think about that membership fee.

BUT! If I can refer someone, I get $10! Then I can join, at least for two months, hehe.

Now who can I convince to give me $10.00.......

I'm learning

to eat cheap. I've been able to cut down my spending from P150 a meal to less than P100! It's easy when I eat at the office cafeteria. And this ain't your ordinary, turo-turo cafeteria.

Imagine a hotel ballroom. Imagine at both ends you can choose from the MOD (meal of the day), gourmet sandwiches, Japanese cuisine (and immaculately white and sweet Jap rice), and a daily food fest that consist of vegetarian, Thai, Chinese, Mediterranean, Italian and Indian dishes. Oh, then there's the salad bar. Sigh. The cafeteria is one of the reasons why I find it difficult to leave this job. :)

There's an endless supply of freshly-brewed coffee (P7) and imported teas (P10). There's also SFC Coffee. In the afternoons, there's merienda: carbohydrate horror story for those on a low-carb diet, but for those who wish to simply live, it's a pretty filling mid-afternoon snack: spaghetti, fishball, pancit, puto, dinuguan, lugao, okoy, lumpia. The list goes one!

Then there's the cake bar. Let's not get into that.

With all that temptation, I think it's quite an achievement for me to keep my spending down. Most of all, I finish my food now. In the past I used to want to taste a little of everything and end up not cleaning my plate. Now I'm a good girl and make sure not a crumb is left. :) I feel better too.

The one thing I find difficult to give up though is the SFC cafe moccha. It's the best tasting one offered anywhere! I treat myself at least twice a week to a P65 cup. Hehe. My creature comforts.