A gentle rain is falling on the last day of the year

It's been a cool and quiet day, all day. A perfect time to reflect and look back on a rather eventful year. 2008 uncannily began and ends with the getting-to-Adelaide odyssey.

We were all set to leave in January this year. We closed all our dealings, informed all our associates, adjusted our mindset. We even told our landlord we wouldn't renew! Benc was set to leave on the first week of the year, but halfway into that week, we were told that we should "suspend" packing til further notice." We found out there were issues with his xrays, and was asked to take a TB test...something they could have advised us of middle of the year, since scholars were required to submit all papers then. Sigh. It was such a downer. So we had to undo everything we did, renew our lease and look for new ways to earn income and tide us over.

Good thing my Intel engagement, which started in Sept 07, was still ongoing. In fact they renewed my contract, and it was almost a sure thing that I would get hired! Working there was one of the best things that I ever did, despite getting up before the crack-of-dawn and travelling 6 hours back and forth from Cavite to Pasig. I felt appreciated and respected, and most of all I felt like I grew as a professional, as well as a person. It didn't hurt either that I was paid well, and could manage to save up a sizeable amount. Unfortunately, the company had to downsize operations and I could not be accommodated by the system. So with a heavy heart and lots of tears, I bid Intel goodbye in September. I could say working in that organization defined for me the kind of work environment, philosophy, and ethic I wanted. The lessons I learned there are ones I will take with me always.

Sometime in the middle of my Intel engagement, a former Probe colleague of Benc's contacted me and asked me if I could take on being Executive Producer of one of their shows. I was reluctant at first because I wasn't sure if I could live up to expectations, but I gave it a try. And whaddaya know: it had to be Project Runway Philippines! How could one say no to a project like that?

But then I should have seen the signs: the production party had factions against the producers, and the producers in turn were not an integrated unit. Systems and responsibilities, were unclear and most of all, both units were at odds with one another. As the EP I was expected to bridge the gap...but how was I to do that when no one as much as acknowledged my presence or my responsibilities?

At first it wasn't so bad: from the (non) script and episode clearing to the check-up shoots. But as the major finale events and shoots started to unfold, things deteriorated. Upper management would leave me and my team (of one PA and 3 interns) to fend for ourselves with no funds, no support and no communication of processes. It came to a point where we had to lift and transfer furniture around ourselves, order the food and stay way later than everyone else. It was a thankless job. It was the antithesis of everything I had just experienced at Intel. I felt as if I had been kicked out of heaven straight into the bubbling cauldrons of hell. I would cry myself to sleep at night from utter exhaustion and heart break, and from missing my friends in Cavite.

Fortunately there were some stellar personalities that made the days bearable: Leah and Kriska of the Marketing team were always willing to lend a hand; the cheerful interns who made the long days and nights cheerful; the indefatigable KC, the PA-who-should-be-Production-manager; and of course the awesome designers who created art from paper, thread and cloth. I fell in love with the top three: Aries, Veejay and Philipp. But I also could not help doting on the others, particularly Mara, Lord and Jaz. It was such a privilege to have met and worked with them, and though the management experience was an infernal situation, interacting with the designers was such a dream come true. The feather on all or caps: the final runway show at the Philippine Fashion Week. It was WILD! In more ways than you think--despite all the foul ups it was a rockin' show! And we at the frontlines made it so. Nuff said.

My contract ended in November, and I could hardly wait to submit all my closing documents, and claim my last check. I was itching to leave. And I did, without much ceremony. After what I went through I hope the next production teams will have a better experience with the show.

Again, something happened in the middle, and it involved Boracay. In October, the Divas finally got to take a trip to Bora (albeit without Alma). We stayed on the island for three days and bonded, shopped and sun-worshipped. I could say this was one of the highlights of the year. While we were there, I caught up with Denise, whom, having moved to Bora to work in early September, I had not seen in a month. I realized then how much I missed her, even though we only saw each other on weekends after I got married. So many times on that trip I felt motherly instincts, having taken care of her and my 2 other younger siblings as they were growing up. I'd invite her for dinner, worry about her pamasahe "home" or what she would eat for her next meal. But she was really an adult now, living away from the rest of the family. It baffles me how we can take so many little things for granted, when in fact it's these little things that make up the fabric of our persons and our relationships with others. All those weekends and casual YMs or blog entries kept me connected and now the inevitable quest for independence creeps in and changes things a little at a time.

It was a bitter sweet parting. I swear I could hear her voice crack over the phone as we said our goodbyes. She was working then and couldn't see us off. She reminded me of my childhood days long gone and our midnight sibling bonding sessions; and I'm sure I reminded her of home.

In November I re-enrolled in UP, this time to finish my thesis. I also got a class with one of my favorite professors. But more than that, I was offered a to teach two scriptwriting classes. This was a blessing to a once-employed communications consultant. So I took on the job, and so far so good. It's been hectic though and I think some of the stress got me sick early this month. So much so that I had to miss going up to Kiangan, Ifugao to join my half-brother's wedding. What a drag. I so wanted to see the far north and witness the unique wedding traditions. Papa, Andrei, Thea and Monique made it though and came back with great stories and photos. At least I could live vicariously through those, haha.

And so comes December, and with it Christmas meet ups, cousins' visits (Mika and Tim!) and presents. As I expected the holidays were frugal this year and a little subdued. For the first time in 34 years, we were incomplete on the most important day of the Tolentino calendar year. Coupled with that was the impending trip to Oz. It was an altered Christmas, and I will never forget it. It could be a sign of things to come, or a marker that tells us, things can only get better from now on.

And I hope they do. Right now I will be greeting 2009 with mixed emotions. There is much sadness and anxiety at facing the first quarter of 09 by myself; but there is also hope and excitement for Benc, who will be leaving for Oz in five days. I try not to cry and enjoy the moment instead but it is difficult. Earlier today I was able to console myself with the reminder that, this trip was on my list of things to do. It is actually a dream come true! And I felt a little better, if even a wee bit encouraged.

It's a new adventure, and we are so lucky to have been given this opportunity. Hopefully this opens doors for us, which in turn I hope will help us open doors for others. I hold on to this thought and try not to think about the void that will be left by Benc when he gets on that plane to Oz. It will be three months before I hug him again. We will spend our third year anniversary online, in addition to the daily events we're so used to talking about over simple dinners and coffee.

But it's all good. There is a reason for everything and I know I should just let them happen. Ultimately I will also realize my place in all this, and the purpose I have in moving things forward. Hopefully I do well, and do others well. It's going to be an interesting year, and it starts now!

This happened on Monday.

and so the countdown begins. it's six and a half days before Benc leaves for Adelaide. I haven't been feeling well since this morning: queasy tummy, lightheaded, a heavy heart, all after getting the news this morning. You'd think I was handed some dooming news. I know we should be more excited. But the prospect of being so far apart for three months makes the whole adventure feel like a a trip of dread.

We've known that this would come to pass for a whole year. But I suppose, until we knew with certainty when the departure date would be, we kind of let it slip from our consciousness from time to time. As if it was some far-off possibility. But inevitable. And yet not concrete.

But after this morning, it feels as if the world suddenly shuddered and turned antartic side up. it is exciting, it is a new adventure. the sucky thing is one of us gets left behind. and i hate being left behind. after all the routines we set together, i am now going to experience them alone. after filling this house with his presence, i am left to find a way to fill the void in my mind and my heart. who will i talk to in the dead of night, or after a long horrible day at school? who will ask me what's wrong the moment i walk in the door with a sour expression on my face?

i keep telling myself to grow up and to listen when people say 3 months will be over before i know it. i want to believe it. it's something to hold on to when i feel myself overcome with loneliness. oh there will be work, i will find a way to keep busy. but i will have to wean myself from seeking his arms to rest in when i am tired.

it will not be easy, that's the reality. and i will have to face it. somehow i will find a way to stay sane before another set of goodbyes are said and another rush of tears blur the horizon.

Perfect Exercise for you this Holiday season

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Proof that the more a politician gets his position into his head, the less human he becomes

Here is the link to the entry by top golf scholar to the University of Cincinnati Bambee de la Paz, about the Masui, Lanao del Sur's mayor beating up her father and 14-year old brother.

The Mayor is Nasser Pangandaman Jr. His father, who was with him golfing, is DAR Cabinet Secretary Nasser Pangandaman Sr. Same name, same rotten bloodline. Truly the fruit falls not far from the tree.

The Inquirer picked up the story and has published it online. Thanks to the fury of connected individuals, Bambee's story will be heard.

How embarrassing is it to have politicians who hurt the very people they are supposed to serve? And here they go hiring bodyguards and the National Police to clear the traffic (which they caused) so that they can travel through the congestion with all their lights and sirens blaring. They expect the people to respect them (Di mo ba kilala kung sino ako?) when really, there is nothing there that will compell us to do so. Who are they anyway? Dynasties trying to keep their stolen money within their ranks? Gun-weilding nincompoops who can't understand simple human decency?

I'd like to see them both beat up in front of their families and not have anyone help them. I'd like to know how they'd feel.

And I so wish the staff at Valley Golf and Country Club get ready for the bad karma they are about to experience. They will not be able to escape it.

One of the best movies of 2008

Tired of all that vampire talk and empty story lines with cardboard characters speaking in hoarse voices? You should be. Hollywood has succeeded in making one of the best narratives of the human race another headache-inducing cash cow.

But take that paracetamol now and train your senses on this film from Sweden: The One vampire movie to watch if you are to allow yourself just one. And I guarantee, this will be the vampire film to end all vampire films.

Let The Right One In is the story of two lonely children: one a vampire, the other the object of school bullies. Set in 1980s Sweden, in the bleakest of winters, the movie tells of how both children are drawn to each other, each becoming the other's protector.

Their relationship develops in unusual ways, and the director, Tomas Alfredson masterfully juxtaposes the concepts of life, death, and the undead in relation to the morals that make us human and the ones that reduce us to mere creatures. Beautiful shots, surprising peripheral action, and a haunting realism leave the viewer simply astounded. Stark and beautiful, Let

The Right One In has become a classic. Read the NY Times Review here.

Exquisite little clouds of sweetness

I used to imagine what it would be like to bite into a cloud. When I was little, I would watch the sky and fantasize that the big white puffs vapor were actually soft, sweet treats I could pop into my mouth for merienda.

Tonight I was able to do just that! I bit into a delicate dark chocolate mochi from Dezato and I melted. Friends of ours gave out these sweet treats at our Christmas party tonight, and suffice it to say, biting into these treats was like biting into a cloud. Imagine! Mochi! Who woulda thunk it?

Mochi are similar to the Chinese buchi, which we are more familiar with. But these mochi from Dezato are nothing at all like the ones you get all oily and sesame seed studded in Chowking. Far from it! These mochi make you feel like there's a ballet recital going on in your mouth!

These mochi are so delicate and exquisite, they last only 5 days. In fact, there are instructions on how to enjoy them. One of the most important items: do not touch the mochi unnecessarily. Once you touch it, you have to eat it!

I don't think that would be a problem.

As with all food adventures, this is one treat you have to try for yourselves, my friends. Words fail me, and few things bring me to this point. This is one of them. You can also check out this review if you need more convincing. There's a multiply site as well. And if you're in the Dona Hemady vicinity, you may want to pay them a visit. I assure you it'll be worth it!

So how am I holding up?

Still in denial, I suppose, about how the coming year will be very different. This is change in a major way. I am trying to ease myself into it; sometimes I refuse to step into that possibility at all. I know I am risking a major breakdown.

But if I do let myself go now, I also risk putting a damper on the days I have left with the Hubby before he leaves for Oz. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. So I carry on like it's any other day. But in the back of my head, there is a big and nimble shadow of loneliness threatening to grab me at a moment's sign of weakness.

I get exhausted trying to think about not thinking of it. I try to put myself in the now and not in the future, when I am alone. I get disheartened when I realize there will be a lot of things I will endure by myself, without him beside me. I get frightened when I know, eventually I will be waking up alone.

They say the months will go by very fast. I don't know how to "picture" that speed. From where I am the days already seem interminable. I can only hope I can keep myself together long enough to see myself through the next three months without him, and finding my way to Oz to be with him again.

My Front Row Seat to the Pacquiao Victory, thanks to UStream

I didn't need television to watch the Pacquiao-dela Hoya match. I had my laptop, my internet connection, and a comfortable chair to sit in.

All I had to do was Google sites where live streaming was available. After a couple of tries, I found a site that was streaming via UStream. Based on what I could hear, I wager a group of Pinoys focused their webcam on their tv screens and streamed the broadcast. I could hear them cheering and speaking Filipino in the background.

The whole match was televised without any commercial breaks, and I knew the outcome of the fight nearly two hours before the rest of the country did, if they were depending on the GMA telecast. The networks should start learning to coexist with the developing internet ecology. By this I don't mean putting up websites or creating content so audiences will come to them. They have to learn to coexist with the fact that their audiences can find alternatives to their outdated gate keeping paradigms and circumvent their ad-laden broadcasts. Right now I am watching the delayed telecast of the fight. I wonder how many actually bothered to tune in. I'm sure those with cell phones have already sent word about the outcome of the match to those who don't have pay per view or internet access. News is more immediate that way.

Again the ordinary viewer has one up over the media giants. I for one am viewing the fight just so I can linger on the details -- I have that luxury now because I am not anxious about the outcome anymore. I could think of a number of ways for the mainstream media to capture the web audience. Go the way of iTunes. Learn from YouTube. Connect with the social networks.

The bottomline is simple: open up and accept a new paradigm of communication is emerging. They can no longer afford to be top-heavy and expect the connected masses to depend on them to bring them the information. These connected individuals will find a faster, more reliable means of getting what they want, when they want it.

As people become more web-literate, Google becomes more powerful, and internet tools become more accessible, conversations among users will reverberate louder than the networks' telecasts. I should know. I sat through an hour viewing web video and updating friends through chat and microblogging. We were all doing the same thing apparently.

And the "exclusive telecast" of GMA? It's just ambient noise now.

photo from http://azraelsmerryland.blogspot.com

Mahiya Naman Kayo!

The following is a true story. I say it's true because it happened to me, just today, as I was commuting from the MRT-Quezon Avenue Station to the MRT Ortigas station, where I was to meet my husband for a doctor's appointment at Mega Mall.

I had just bought those new re-loadable MRT cards from the Globe booth a couple of weeks ago, the ones with KitKat branding splashed all over it, you'd easily forget it was a Globe product. This, after being told three weeks prior that the Globe chip I had been using was phased out already. And who told me this? A lady at a Globe booth at the Shaw Station when I asked why my chip wasn't responding. "Ay ma'am di na po ginagamit yan. Matagal na. Bili na lang kayo ng card." Great. I just lost P40.00 -- the amount loaded in my Globe chip.

Now this is not about being kuripot. This is about service. When was Globe going to inform us that this chip would be phased out? Why didn't the administration of the MRT put up notes to the public? This is so typical of Pinoy businessmen: go in, get your money and screw the people you're supposed to serve. Bahala na silang mahirapan.

Anyway, back to my story.

So there I was, at the Q Ave station. To enter the platform, I swiped my card with ease at the turnstyle and waited for the train to arrive. I got into the all-female car and then got off without incident at the platform at the Ortigas station.

There are two turnstyles with RF receivers at the Ortigas station when you're arriving from the North. I lined up at one of them and I swiped my card. At about the same time I noticed the lady next to me on the other turnstyle did the same. As we both swiped, it blipped red. We couldn't get through.

So we raised our cards in signal to the guards for assistance. There were three that day: two males and a female, who was in charge of checking the bags. As Guard no.1 reached for my card and swiped it himself, he said, "Naku Ma'am. baka walang laman." This was preposterous because just the day before, I had purchased P100 worth of load.

I said, "Kaka-load ko lang po niyan, Kuya. Maraming laman pa yan." He didn't seem to hear me, and pointed me to the purchase window where a "teller" was giving out tickets. "Magbayad na lang po kayo."

This incensed me. "Ha? Eh bakit ako magbabayad eh nagbayad na ako? Nagload na ako, so ibig sabihin pre-paid yan".

"Eh ayaw nga po baka walang laman," said Guard no.1.

I was losing my cool "Di nga pwede kasi kakaload ko lang. I check niyo diyan sa Globe booth!" He looks behind him and says, "Ay wala pong tao, di natin matatanong." He proceeds to swipe my card on the RF receiver attached to the INCOMING turnstyle. It blinked red. Eh di NATURAL, it would blink red, kasi palabas nga ako ng platform, di papasok. "Wala, eh Ma'am," he repeated.

"Wag niyo diyan i-swipe! Dun sa kabila, kung saan ako galing!" I said pointing to the turnstyle I came from. At this time the lady who had the same problem had gotten through. "Dun niyo sa kabilang turnstyle i-swipe."

Then suddenly Guard no. 2 jumps in, "Ma'am dito na lang po muna kayo. Magbayad na lang kayo."

I was mad by this time. So I turned to the teller and asked him why I should pay "Hindi naman po mababawasan yung card niyo." I said, "That's not the point. Nagbayad na ako, so why should I pay again?" Then he started to mumble something unintelligible, and all I understood was a hugas-kamay comment that went something like, wala po kasi sa control namin yang card, bla bla bla."

I had lost my temper by now, because no one seemed to want to listen or understand me. So I said to Guard no. 1, as I reached for my card "Akin na yung card ko, i-swipe natin dito kung saan ako palabas, hindi yung papasok."

Guard no. 1 yanks my card out of my reach (what? as if I was going to grab it run, to avoid paying a measly P12.00? DUH! It's the principle, not the cost!) and CONTINUES to swipe it at the opposite turnstyle "Wala talaga Ma'am eh." He then gives it to Lady Guard "O subukan mo diyan" he said referring to the other INCOMING receiver on the turnstyle. Naturally it blipped red "Wala talaga Ma'am," she says, swiping it three more times.

I wanted to bang their heads together. "Eh hindi nga diyan! Dito nga sa outgoing! Natural di gagana yan kasi palabas ako, hindi ako papasok!"

"Teka check nga natin" said Guard no. 1. I raised my hands in exasperation: I had told them to CHECK it first before doing the moronic thing of swiping it at the wrong turnstyle! All this time people behind the counter at the station were just watching. No assistance AT ALL was offered to me! I then tried to follow Guard no. 1, who was headed to the Globe booth. Suddenly Guard no. 2 puts his filthy hands on my shoulders to stop me from exiting through their special "gate" beside the teller they told me to pay P12.00 to! I screamed at him. "Don't you touch me! Kanina ko pa sinasabing i-check niyo ayaw niyo akong pakinggan!"

So he backs off. I exit through the gate and as I get to the Globe booth Guard no. 1 sees I do have over P60 in my load. "Ay may laman nga!"

He walks back to the INCOMING turnstyle and swipes it again. By this time I had lost it. I screamed "Ang tigas naman kasi ng ulo niyo! Wag niyo diyan i-swipe kasi palabas ako! Akin na yan!" I grabbed my card from his hands, leaving the plastic casing. I swiped the card on the RF receiver that the lady beside me earlier had swiped her card on. And whaddaya know? It blipped green!

I walked back to Guard no.1, grabbed my plastic casing from him and said, for all of them to hear, "Ang dami-dami niyong sistema dito, di niyo alam kung anong ginagawa niyo!" And stormed off.

I didn't care if EVERYONE in the station was staring at me. It was clear they were caught being stupid. What is it with Filipinos and public service? As long as they receive their monthly pay they have the license to slack off? Don't they have the initiative to ask about things happening around them? Wala na bang saysay ang accountability? At yung GLOBE -- pupunta lang ba doon to make money without at least informing the staff at the stations about troubleshooting procedures? It's all a simple case of communication and proper business process; and above all else, service to your fellow Pinoy consumer.

Ganyan na ba talaga ngayon? Hugas kamay na lang lagi, walang sense of responsibility or serbisyo para sa kapwa? Ang kapal ng mukha nilang mag astang pro-Filipino or public servant. Mag-usap naman kayo. Kasi pagnagkakaroon ng ganyang aberya kaming mga sumusunod sa mga patakaran niyo't bali-balikong batas ang napeperwisyo! Mahiya naman kayo!

photos from
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ortigas_MRT_Station
http://mccedtrip.blogspot.com
http://migs.files.wordpress.com/2006/08/contactless_smartcard.jpg

Today is Choose Day

...and though the historical election will happen miles away, in a land that once conquered us and yet shuns us, we wait with bated breath for the one who will inhabit the White House.

Though they couldn't care less how we'd be affected, we are concerned just the same. How will this affect foreign policy? How will they treat our friends and family members who have migrated or are awaiting citizenship? Will this mean less offshore jobs? Will they finally sign the Kyoto Protocol?

Oh what am I thinking. That may be asking for too much. Still we can't help but attribute the solution to the oil crisis and financial crisis, and the war in the middle east to come from them. All these answers will be in the hands of the US citizens. Who they choose will spell an uncanny and critical result, with major repercussions for us, and the whole world.

Some may find it scary, but boy, you can't help but admit, it's going to be really exciting.

Now it can be told

We were all supposed to dance the Huling El Bimbo with a fantastic fireworks display. It was going to be the perfect song to end a perfect concert.

I know because an insider said so. She was one of the band's PAs and we talked about what was supposed to go down during the Eheads concert.

The first set went exactly as planned, except of course for Ely's collapse. To refresh your memory, these are the songs we heard:

1. Alapaap
2. Ligaya
3. Sembreak
4. Hey Jay
5. Harana
6. Fruitcake
7. Toyang
8. Kama Supra
9. Kailan
10. Wag Kang Matakot
11. Kaliwete
12. With A Smile
13. Shake Yer Head
14. Wag Mo Nang Itanong
15. Lightyears

During the second set, the band was to sing ten more songs, in this order:

1. Maskara
2. Poor Man's Grave
3. Torpedo
4. Trip to Jerusalem
5. Back To Me
6. walang Nagbago
7. Maling Akala
8. Tikman
9. Spoliarium
10.Magasin

When Magasin was to be played, the screen behind them would have montages of various news and magazine clippings of them. It would flash alternately with shots of the band and audience until the song reached the coda where Ely sings "...ay centerfold ka naaaa...woo hoo-hoo, haaa-haaa" part of the song. Then there would be fire works and a fountain of sparks, going on til the last note of the song. Then the hydraulic stage would be lowered and the band would make a "fake ending".

The lights would then go out.

The insider said the band would wait til the crowd chanted "more". "It would take two beers' worth of chanting "more". Then in the darkness, a very dramatic keyboard solo would be heard, and it would be the opening chords of Para Sa Masa.

The hydraulic stage would rise again and there they would be.

After Para Sa Masa, they'd switch into Overdrive. With the crowd pumped within an inch of insanity they were to hit us with Pare Ko. And then we would slow down and reminisce with Minsan.

Finally, they would perform Huling El Bimbo. Again, after the last refrain, at the coda (la la la laaa...) the grand fireworks display would go off, fountains of light surrounding the stage. The next la-la-la parts would see fireworks from behind the general admissions section, and as the song ended there would be a burst of confetti all over the audience.

Then the hydraulic stage would be lowered for the final exit.

Those were the plans for the Ultraelectromagnetic night. It may not have happened as planned but at least we knew they were going to give us a show we would never forget!

We asked the source if the band knew about all these plans and she said they did. In fact they were so excited about all the gimmicks and couldn't wait to party with the audience. "Nag-usap pa nga sila kung may mga kailangang saluhin na kanta just in case (di na kaya ni Ely)," the source said. "And Ely said, hindi, Kakanta ako!"

I'm putting out an order to the Universe that we all get to watch the second set!

The Concert of A Lifetime

We were at the venue at 4pm. The sun beat down on us; the heat rose from the pavement and yet we persevered. This was the concert of a lifetime and it was an event we wouldn't miss for the world.

The Eraserheads Reunion concert was a quiet wish in every Eheads fan's mind, whispered among friends reminiscing about "those days", and a thought that resonated among all those who were touched by their music. Six years later, it all comes to a head!

At first I didn't want to believe it. It was too good to be true, and yet, everyone I knew (well my siblings mostly) were reminding me to register on the Red Nation site. And I put it off til the last minute when the hulabaloo with DOH blew up. I even put off buying the tickets when another promoter took on the gargantuan task of mounting the event when I heard about Ely's mom. But eventually I found myself in the middle of the concert grounds at The Fort.

The hours seemed interminable. We waited for friends to file into the patron section, snarled at those who skipped about in the VIP area, and waited, waited, waited. Every 60 minutes a voice over reminded us to party safely and to use the portalets near the exits. We memorized his spiel soon enough.

The sun set, people started getting restless and everyone was instantly in a sauna of humanity. The screens started lighting up (previously they were showing Incubus concert images) until a timer started counting down ten minutes. Everyone counted out loud every ten seconds to the minute. The last ten seconds were counted down so loudly I swear it could be heard as far as C5.

Finally, they were on! Shrieks, squeals, screams and a massive human crush ensued. People yelled and stomped, sang and bounced and I wept. It was real. And it was all just too overwhelming! Raimund, Ely, Markus and Buddy were finally together, after all this time, singing the songs that defined this generation. They sang Alapaap and everyone was on Cloud 9. They took it a step further and accompanied it with fireworks. It was the party we were all waiting for for six years.

It was hot. I never sweated so much, not even at the gym. I guess so did everyone...but we didn't care. They sang a mix of songs from their first to last albums...Toyang, Fruitcake, Kaliwete, etc. The setlist is online already somewhere and we can link to it. However I must mention that they made my night when they sang Shake Yer Head. It was one of three songs I was waiting for.

They sang With a Smile. I couldn't be sure but I thought I heard Ely's voice break. Then they sang a couple more songs and they got to Lightyears. I was pretty sure by this time that Ely was breathing harder and his voice shook. It was pretty quiet now, and at the end of the song, Ely sat down on stage and leaned his head on his guitar. The lights went out.

I had a weird feeling about this. I though it was just me being OC, that the voice over talent didn't announce there was an intermission. The countdown timer flashed on screen. It said 20.00 minutes. People started to relax and rest, take some water and breathe. We were waiting and passing bottles of iced tea and Vitwater around when the band and a lady came out on stage. Buddy took the mic and introduced everyone including the girl, Lalyn, Ely's sister.

This was not good.

Raimund said, please listen to what she has to say. We know you'll understand. She read a note. Ely was rushed to the hospital due to stress and his failing health. Thank you for coming and we really apologize for cutting the concert short. Everyone was shocked.

The promoters asked us to pray and offer a moment of silence for Ely. And we did. And then we all filed out of the venue, dazed and worried. But most of all, bitin. Feelings were mixed: we were all feeling slightly cheated, but what was that compared to Ely collapsing backstage and possibly going through so much physical pain? We wanted more, but wasn't that being selfish, seeing how he risked so much just to get on stage and continue? It was all too surreal.

50,000 people suddenly found themselves loitering all over Serendra, so much energy prematurely corked, and the gravity of the situation weighing down on everyone. Everyone was asking everyone else what really happened. Mobile networks were clogged but text messages flew back and forth nevertheless. How is Ely? What now?

As of this writing people close to him have twittered and sent messages, saying he was conscious and stable. We all heave a sigh of relief. But what about the rest of the band? Where are they? How are they?

What about the fans? How are they feeling? Friends from the music scene say musicians are gathered in Sa Guijo right now. The thousands who gathered are probably huddled together simultaneously trying to figure out what happened and reminiscing about the experience; possibly wishing, whispering and hoping among themselves something this big could happen again.

Maybe they believe -- just as I do -- that it will!

If you could lend your guitar, you can change a life.

My sister teaches guitar lessons to a group of kids in one of the poorest places in Quezon City. However, to teach them well, the kids need their own guitars. A pinpointed sponsor still hasn't replied and their recital is fast approaching. Please take some time to read her story, and if you can, or know someonw who can, maybe lend your extra guitar so a child can learn to create their own music.

++++++++++

Dear Readers,

I have reached the point of desperation. I am humbly appealing to any kind soul out there to please hear me out.

I am currently teaching a guitar class at the U.P College of music as part of my thesis. My students are members of the Gawad Kalinga Project Laura in Commonwealth, an underprivileged community. I have 11 students in one class, their ages range from 6 to 57 years old. Quite the challenge I know. But the bigger challenge is, not a single one of them owns a guitar.

We hold our classes 2 hours a day, once a week. The first part would be for music theory, the second part would be it’s application on the instrument, which we do by taking turns and passing around my guitar. We’ve been doing this for 7 weeks now since we started last July 3.

We sent out a letter as early as June 19, 2008 to an identified sponsor, requesting their company to lend us guitars. We promised to take care of them and return them after our classes were done. It took weeks before they actually responded. They mentioned they will “release funds” and they will send us 8 guitars, (tsss.. 11 nga yung studyante ko eh, grr..) but they didn’t give us an exact date. Maghintay lang daw kami, my adviser said.

So that’s what we’ve been doing, waiting. The first few weeks, I thought it would be okay to do without the guitar because I’d be introducing the elements of music. But now that we’ve reached our 7^th week, with still no sign of the guitars, I’m having mixed emotions of frustration, anger, fear and a whole lot of stresss! Their scheduled performance is on Sept.30, 2008 and we haven’t practiced a single thing.

My students are good students. They are very receptive to the musical concepts I’ve been teaching them. But shempre lahat naman ng klase ng learning hindi complete unless you are able to apply it.

Last Thursday I felt as if someone ran a knife across my chest. when one of my students said she’s been practicing the strumming and chord positions at home. I asked if she knows someone with a guitar, and she said “nag-drawing lang po kame sa papel mam.” (argh! I felt so bad) But I had to be optimistic for them so I said, “That’s good! Natutuwa ako at nakakahanap kayo ng iba’t-ibang paraan para matuto, hayaan niyo dadating na yung gitara niyo, antay lang tayo.” I say that every meeting, and I don’t think I can keep showing up empty-handed.

So this is where I am humbly asking your help. I need to borrow 8 nylon-stringed guitars from anyone willing to help--anyone with a big heart and ready to receive lots of good karma from the universe. Out of the 11 students 3 of them are already covered so I only need 8 more. Please, it's for a very good cause. Don’t worry, I assure you, they are good people and they will take care of your guitars. I would make sure that each one of your guitars will be returned to you unharmed by Sept. 30, or even earlier, as soon as my students get their guitars from our sponsor.

The main objective of my thesis is to help their community by uplifting their self-esteem and instill confidence in them through music and performance. Because learning and performing music provides opportunities for students to let down their inhibitions and be able to express themselves freely.

By helping them realize their musical potential and perform together as a group, they would develop a sense of unity, foster cooperative spirit and strengthen their relationship as a community.

With your help, they could very much achieve this and so much more. Please. For those willing to lend a helping guitar, pls contact me at: 09179322542, thea_malaya@yahoo.com

Thank you very much and I look forward to receiving some good news from you!

Sincerely, Thea Tolentino

Alam niyo kung bakit di man lang tayo nagpe-place sa Olympics?

Dahil sa point of view pa lang natin, talo na tayo. It's in the nuances in which we refer to our chances (the elusive gold), the way we skew angles in how we discuss it (the sorry state of philippine sports; the disadvantaged athletes), and when we talk about the results, napaka condescending (she finished with a mere 107 kg, placing second to last).

Case in point: the media. I wanted to slam Anthony Suntay's head on the counter when he reported the results of the women's weightlifting category in such a condescending way. can he and his producers do what Hidilyn Diaz did? I dare him & his "news team" (emphasis on the quotation marks) to lift that "mere 107 kgs". I dare them to train and sweat and work their butts off in the face of all that politicking, corruption and lack of support. The kind he and his writers just demonstrated.

Obviously he, and every media person like him (the educated, the ones trained abroad, those who made their bones thru a hard knock life--bar none) forget their responsibility when they are handed the power to talk about other people . Granted, these are truths, and they are just telling it like it is. But there are other ways to tell it. Tell it impartially if you can't tell it positively. Whoever wrote that copy should eat it.

News is not objective. That's a fundamental truth (just reiterating a bit of broadcasting 101 here, and communication theory in case they were absent from school that day). And the fact that they wrote their news the way they did shows just how much faith they have in our own athletes.

Olympics 2008

I've always had this secret desire to be an athlete. Actually it was a childhood frustration of mine to be a runner. But people used to say I ran funny.

When I watch athletes in competition I live through them vicariously. I revel in their hard-earned triumph and feel just as heartbroken when they lose. In fact I tear when I see music videos showing athletes...you know, the ones that are proliferating these days. It's funny, but it's true. I have such great respect for them. Shame on those who cheat, shame on those who shortchange them. I hate it when politicking individuals try to ride on their success. YUCK! The gall!

I can't wait to watch the Olympics. It's only 6 days away! I wonder how I'm going to do all my work and monitor the fames at the same time, haha. Oh but I'll find a way. :-)

Help me graduate!!!

Would you like to help me with my Survey? It's a really simple one, and will only take you ten minutes. It's about how you use sites like Multiply, and share content online. Interested?

All you have to do is click on the link below, and answer all the questions. I'm sure you'll be able to relate with all of them.

This is part of my thesis, so if you decide to join, you will have my eternal unwavering gratitude, because, well, you finally helped me graduate! I promise all your responses will be kept secret and safe. :-)

Ok, here goes: http://www.zoomerang.com/Survey/?p=WEB227ZA5RHL3X

My Enneagram test says I'm

Main Type	Overall Self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

I think it's accurate. I took two tests, from two different sites, and they both registered the same results. Hehehe. Looks like I'm still a perfectionist.

Radical Potential

After four years I can finally say the finish line is well within sight. After all those days spent commuting to and from the University, stressing about getting off work early to make it to class on time, bitching about professors who have no right to be dishing out grades when they can't even teach, I think I can say, the journey's been interesting.I just finished my proposal defense today.

At first I thought this additional requirement to complete the MA degree was superfluous. Why put the student through all this when, being a graduate student, s/he should be considered capable of accomplishing his/her thesis right after that darned compre exam. But I realized this morning, it is a critical step in the process. The opinions and suggestions given by my panel were priceless. They helped fine tune the study and call out inconsistencies. From all their comments alone, at this stage, I realized, you need some help to prepare. Grad students who assume they are ready to take on an MA thesis could be in for some back-breaking work.

Initially I thought they would cut me down, chew me up and then spit me out. Quite the contrary: they were very compassionate, encouraging even. They helped open my mind to aspects of my own study I took for granted. They pointed out items I should review and realign, especially my framework. And that got me stoked: they encouraged me to come up with my own synthesis, and in effect my own framework for my study. This would be a first for me, the absolute zenith for an over-achieving nerd. Hubris be damned! Let's go make our own theoretical framework, shall we?

Some things they said I should look at: refocus my subject of study; put more importance on what is alternative rather than what is mainstream; attempt to synthesize the three theories used in my study; read the "law" of suppression of radical potential by Brian Winston. PHEW! That piqued my interest. It sounded so...subversive. I liked it. And I couldn't wait to get home (and finish this post) so I could look him up. But before they let me go, they had to deliberate (on my fate). They asked me to step out of the room. I waited at the lobby of the building, texted my boss and Benc about the progress. Suddenly I was called back in, and my adviser smiled and said, Congratulations, we have all recommended you to carry on with your thesis. The other panelists smiled and congratulated me, and showed me their signatures on the recommendation form. All I could do was heave a sigh of relief and thank them. They all said they were excited about the topic and would like to see me complete it within the sem. They wanted to publish it as soon as it was done. (No pressure, right?)

Wow! I couldn't believe the vote of confidence and the outpouring of encouragement. I couldn't wait to get started and show them how I was willing to dedicate myself to finishing, and finishing well. It helped that these words came from some of the most respected members of the academe -- people whom I believed in.

The finish line is one semester away. And I am 2 and 1/2 steps into the final stretch. This is the part where I put in everything I've got and go for that sprint. No looking back now.

See you at the finish line!

Rainy Day Birthday Blessings

I was born on a Wednesday, 33 years ago. As far as I know this is 4th time May 14 has fallen on a Wednesday. How that is significant, I don't know, but the poem of the child born on a Wednesday being full of woe just came to mind. I guess I am a worrier. But I chalk that up to genetics, not fate. I worry about a lot of things, not least of which is the future. But don't we all. What I do have to leverage however, are the blessings I've been getting the past three decades. They say that when it rains on your birthday, it's actually raining blessings. :-) So actually, everything balances out. It's good to be a little introspective, even for just one day in a year. And today I'm thinking about what I did the previous year, the results of those decisions, and where they will take me this year.

There's Oz to look forward to, my work to be thankful for, and a family to plan for. I'm looking forward to more travel opportunities and career moves (hopefully) abroad. I'm targeting to graduate this year. I'm also making it a point to learn as much as I can from the crises happening around me, so that I can rise above it.

Friends have always been in the picture. Old ones have always been a source of support and advice and new ones are a source of fun in the midst of work. Family always plays an important role: they can be source of wisdom...both for things to emulate, and things to avoid. But they're always there, in good times and in bad.

Most of all, I'm thankful for love...from everyone, most of all from the most brilliant man I've ever known. I count having Benc one of the most treasured blessings I've ever received. I can't complain (except for his mess maybe, hehe); so I celebrate. I could just be one of the luckiest people alive. And for all the worrying I've had to do all these years, he is the one thing that keeps everything in balance. :-)

So happy birthday, Me. Here's to another birthday raining with blessings to herald a sensational year!

EFFING UNI BUREAUCRACY!!!!!!!!!

if blogger had a scream button to activate somewhere i'd enable it everytime someone clicked on this post.

i'm so frustrated, tired, angry, miffed and totally freaked at how STOOOOOPID the whole exercise can be.

i'm talking about getting signatures from professors through a system that's as outdated as floppy disks. get a piece of a risographed form, get your defense panel to sign. when you submit risograph #1, (thinking that's it) you're given another, which they're all supposed to sign. the difference? oh this one just contains the DATE they all agreed on. oh and it's printed on new paper. in effect riso #1 was like a piece of practice paper. riso and new paper have the SAME EFFING INFORMATION AND LINES TO AFFIX THEIR SIGNATURE, but it also has a line for when and where you'll have your defense.

you get all the signatures. you know they're the ones you need because there's a line above their names. you submit, then the person at the desk says, oh you forgot the department chair. geez. there was no line above HER name. so you hunt her down and she says she has to go to lunch. so you wait. and wait and wait. before you know it, 5 hours have passed.

finally she arrives, she signs. then she says, get another form to reserve the room.

the what?

the room.

oh it's been reserved. i saw the admin officer
pencil it in on the activities calendar.

no, it's a different form. ask for it from her.
the dean needs to sign it.

and do you (prof) need to sign it
too?

yes.

P*******A!

so i bite my tongue. through it all, i just keep a straight face. my goal was to get through this ordeal and be done with it, so i could vent on them later. i get the effing form, fill it up, go to the professor and told the admin to please barge in on the meeting. all i need is one signature, and i'm outta there.

she gets the signature, and i'm outta there. and i've lost a day's wages for waiting for a signature.

for a premiere university, the system sure doesn't know how to share information vital to a student's performance and well being. it sits on the achievements of the students but it also shits on their dignity. without the students who are working so hard, getting good grades, there wouldn't be funding, or a uni for that matter to speak of! it's the students who give this university a good name. we deserve the same respect. we're human too.

That being said, allow me to share with all of you students going on proposal defense some advice, and the procedure to get that effing task done.

STEPS TO GETTING YOUR PROPOSAL DEFENSE SCHEDULED

If you are a candidate for graduation, you need a thesis. To be able to write your thesis, you first need to present and defend your topic and proposal. To be able to defend your thesis proposal, you need to:

1. Write your thesis proposal. You need to talk to your adviser about this already. Get him/her to read it and then revise it asap.

2. Put together a panel - you need at least three people: your adviser, a reader, and another panel member. All should have at least an MA degree.

3. Get a form from the college admin office titled thesis proposal panel nomination form. Fill this out with your desired panel members, your thesis topic title, and your name & student no.
4. Make a courtesy call to your nominated panel. Tell them about your topic, graciously tell them they've been nominated. If they accept, ask them to sign the paper.

5. After your panelists sign the paper, bring the paper to the department head and get her to sign the paper.

TIP A: While getting them to sign, ask them ALREADY for their preferred dates. There is a two week rule to be followed in the uni. This is discussed below.

*TWO WEEK RULE*
From the time you submit your manuscript and all the required effing forms, there is a two-week grace period wherein your panel reviews your manuscript. Say, if you can submit your requirements (manuscript & forms) on May 1, your defense will happen on the 15th of May.

5. Return the paper to the college admin office and tell the grad studies (GS) admin your nominated panel has accepted, and that they have agreed to a date and time (see TIP A). The GS admin will now type this out on a new piece of paper, with your thesis proposal title, your panelists' name, your name and info, and the date and time you nominated. S/he may also enter the room at this time. You may call this the proposal defense form.

6. Go back to your panel and the department head, and get them to sign proposal defense form all over again.

TIP B: if your panelists/department head is making you wait, go ahead and file for use of the room and additional equipment (tv, lcd projector, laptop, etc.)

For the room, look for the college admin officer. Tell her you have a defense and would like to request for a room. Give her the date and time. Certain rooms have special permits to use. If you are using any of the graduate studies rooms, ask for the form needed to reserve this room. Fill it out, and bring it with you when you have your proposal defense form signed by the department head.

For the equipment, look for guy who sits at the back of the office. He is the equipment custodian. Tell him you have a defense and would like to reserve the use of some of the equipment. He will give you a form. Fill it out and bring it with you when you have your proposal defense form signed by the department head.

7. Check through all the papers again. You should now have with you:

(a) the proposal defense form for the panelists to sign, which
contains your defense date and time, and room;

(b) the room reservation form and;

(c) the equipment reservation form.

Make sure all the needed signatures have been affixed. The department head especially has to sign all three forms. If all is in order, you may now return these to the college admin office.

TIP C: Have the defense proposal form photocopied. Make at least two copies. The original will be kept by the GS admin. One shall be attached to your proposal when you submit it to the dean. The extra one is yours to keep, just in case. (in this uni, you never know)

8. Submit the proposal defense form to the GS admin, the equipment request form to the custodian, and the room request form to the admin officer. Tuck your extra proposal defense form safely away and go home to get some rest.

9. Make the necessary revisions to your manuscript as per your adviser, and submit on the appointed day. make as many copies as there are panelists plus one each for the department head, and the dean.

I hope this helps all of you thinking about going through with your thesis. This post may not sound enthusiastic but I highly recommend you finishing the race. You'll be glad you did.

I'm just looking forward to getting all of this over with.

Blue

I'm hoping it's just the hormones.

I've not been feeling a hundred percent lately. I've been tired, a little melancholy. There are times when I'm really masungit for no reason. A few times I've been cross with Benc. Poor guy. He just takes it, and continues to love me.

I've been criticizing myself more than usual. Everything seems wrong. Little mistakes are a big issue with me. I'm feeling extremely sensitive and I find myself sighing deeply quite often. I don't feel like working, and I just want to travel somewhere far away to rest my mind.

I was hoping to enjoy my alone time, and I did. However briefly. But now I wish I wasn't. I feel abandoned and ignored.

I feel like something great was supposed to happen but I missed it. Or, I wasn't invited to the big event when everyone else was.

It's all in my head isn't it? I know it is, but I can't help feeling a little blue. So much so that I just blew a sizeable amount on some impulse buys. But they're empty purchases. They made me forget for a while but now here I go again. I don't know whether to flog myself or just grin and bear the consequences.

Like I have a choice, right?

I just hope this passes. I hate when I get like this. I'm just willing myself to see the reason behind these feelings so I can feel better. Very soon.

Random Ramblings to clear my mind

I wish I had the guts to be like Christiane Amanpour. Her whole career has been a fascinating ride, beginning at the very core of her identity (she's half Moslem, half Catholic) to her day to day life in the middle of conflict zones. I'd love to know her world view, how she experienced it forming, how she sees the future, how she sees people in the context of her position as one who carries the information first hand; and as a necessary catalyst of forming society's opinions.

"There are some situations one simply cannot be neutral about, because when you are neutral you are an accomplice. Objectivity doesn't mean treating all sides equally. It means giving each side a hearing."

I think that's one of the best explanations of objectivity I've ever read.

I content myself with the fact that I'm in good company though: she's deathly afraid of heights.

======

I attended a brainstorming and board of trustees meeting for Probe yesterday. We all met at Cheche's house.

The whole exercise has made me reflect on the values I live as a media practitioner. It made me wonder just how far I was willing to go to make my efforts a success. Do I go and join the bandwagon of sensational and gory television? Do I go and pretend television and broadcast media can still be an instrument of education, a messenger of values and morals? Do I continue to believe that I can effect a small change -- for the better -- in the world?

Or is television obsolete? Is new media the way to go?

======

I think people need to learn how to separate just the internet -- it's technicalities, and all the notions of it being an instrument of the devil, designed to invade our lives and control us -- from the good it has actually done to connect people all over the world. The internet has done so on an even deeper level than even television has.

Social media, largely activated on the internet, has become a phenomenon not to be taken lightly. Anyone with a Friendster, Multiply, Facebook or Blogger account know this for a fact. The sheer power of interaction among peers, as well as experts now made accessible, has created networks upon networks of individuals who exchange information based on their own personal experiences. And really, the best way to learn anything for sure is through experience.

So in a sense everyone can be an expert at something, based on one's experience. It could be about the best route to get to Batangas, the best coffee place in Boracay, or where to get great bargains on curtains. As indivuduals share and react, provide feedback in the form of messages, photos or video, information is made richer. It's bound to be useful to someone; and acting on that information so creates knowledge.

That knowledge becomes the basis for more exchanges and in turn the creation of more experiences. This is in fact what companies like Google and Yahoo invest in: the richness of knowledge. They pay to know how often the knowledge is accessed and used. They invest how well the it is supported -- mostly by communities on line, or networks.

======

Regular people have just as much to share as "experts" do. These days people trust others just like them than those proclaimed by the media as "experts".

Connecting with others "like me" is a testimony to people's cynicism of media's king making. People trust regular folks be

cause there is no polish, no bright lights, no preambles on how well s/he is learned on just one topic and can apply it to everyone else's situations.
People know off the bat that that's not true.

======

I have to really do my thesis now.

======

I want to take a break from work. I think I'm starting to feel really tired of what I'm doing. I'd love to do something different for a change.

I want to travel.

Learning to work without knowing it

I think that's what I've been doing for the last seven months. The trips to the office are a killer (I will never stop saying this) but somehow when I get to the office, the energy kicks in and the wheels start turning, my head starts filling up with ideas and it's a non-stop train ride til 4 pm when the bus comes to ferry us home.

It's a great experience. I like being able to explore possibilities in a place that offers recognition for innovation. It adds to my self-esteem, definitely, and confidence in my abilities. And I guess I like the structure. It gives me a sense of order, and accountability. There's a heirarchy but it doesn't really assert itself except when it comes to protocols in approving forms, approving budgets etc. But the really important things, like sharing ideas, giving feedback and challenging authority are all carried out like there was no boss. And that's how the culture is enriched.

The culture of an organization is what keeps it growing (aside from revenue of course). If a culture of excellence exists, its people and its products will always find ways to innovate and excel, and then its employees feel fulfilled and become more creative. Then the cycle feeds on itself.

And I think it's a good thing. People like me just need to learn to stop working when they day's over.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

According to Steve Jobs in this 2005 Commencement Address at Stanford University, it's the only real way to live. :-)

====

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

from http://news-service.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html