It's our fourth month as a married couple. And it's also our first night apart since we got married.
Benc's on a sesshin, a zen retreat, and he's been waiting for this opportunity to go for a long time. So he left early this morning to go to Tagaytay. I've been by myself all day, doing things we do together, alone. When he first told me about this, I thought I would be okay. And it was okay -- got lots of work done, strolled through the mall and got some stuff, went to see my dentist and chatted with a friend. Had meals by myself and I felt satisfied. But that was today.
It's tonight that's difficult, because I totally feel his absence. I know it's only one night. I told myself that. But I didn't realize I was ready for it right now; this, despite the fact that I lived on my own before.
But it is different. It's like nothing I've felt, and I know I'm sounding melodramatic here. But I suddenly feel my heart turned to lead and my brain's frying from thinking. Thinking about anything to keep me from feeling. Egad it's so complicated. I don't know why I even try to untangle it.
I'll accept it. I'll leave it as is. It's the first time kasi. And I also hope it's the last.
Thank goodness the mornings come quicker these days.
1 comment:
i feel for you...been through that many times. like you, i lived by myself for a while before i got married. so i thought sleeping and being alone at night would be easy.
hindi pala. it's so different and you feel alone talaga. even if harvs and i are always apart because of work, i still can't get used to it. di ako makatulog palagi.
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