October 18, 2005

i've been feeling overwhelmed since this morning. at least i hope that's the real reason why i've been crying my eyes out and residual emotions of loss and sorrow choke me.

what a difference a tiny gesture makes. all it took was one text from my brother, a call from me, and a moment of decision. what a world of difference it made for Rej and her family. and i had a hand in it, and i am overwhelmed by the play of chance and coincidence and luck and connection. it was not by chance then, long ago, that ANdrei and Rej's sister became best friends nearly 8 yeasrs ago. it's not by chance I met Rej through Oneal a few years ago. That she works with us now, that we have similar family situations, that i received that text message and I made that call.

i'm overwhelmed because i am also thinking of the what ifs: what if my cell phone decided to conk out on me just then? what if my brother decided not to text me? what if i didn't hear my message alert? worse, what if i did hear it, but didn't bother to read it til much later, when it was too late?

i guess i am also empathizing with their loss. i remembered my own dad, and what i'd do if i was in Rej's shoes. what would i do? what if i wasn't as lucky as Rej and didn't have the same connections? where would i be? would i be within reach? would i be able to do something? would i get the chance to say i loved him?

we meet so many people by chance and coincidence. but are we a part of our families by chance as well? who would've known a random sperm and egg cell would form to become me? Who would've known I would become me today? Is it all by chance? Or is there a plan? Was there a plan for me to be part of the family I'm in now, or is that also a coincidence?

In all this randomness, suddenly a path appears. It's the decision I guess, whether to step on the path or not, that decides the significance of all that is to happen next.

I swallowed back my tears as Rej knelt at the pews and said the prayer for the dead...a rather horrid and morbid prayer if you ask me, for a bereaved family sending off a loved one to a supposedly better place. But Rej read it out loud, trying to keep her back straight, her voice steady, her tone strong. And I looked at the rest of their family kneeling at the foot of the decision a higher power has bestowed on them. But facing, nonetheless, the painful reality before them. Together. As a family. Solid. One.

And I realized this is what I promise not to miss, no matter where life takes me, to be one with my family, to be PART of a family---the one I was born with and the one I am creating. This is really all that matters, isn't it? These are the connections that matter. Through coincidences and chance and luck a family's bonds will reach far beyond these and find you, no matter where you are, as long as you are one. Rej's dad found that through my brother and me. Then he found his way to Rej. And when it most counted, they were a complete family.

And because of that i feel inextricably linked to these people for the rest of my life. And I feel they have become a part of my family. And it wasn't by chance.