Blink

I'm doing my best not to weep while I compose this post. Just remembering the events of yesterday makes the tears well up in my eyes and I keep blinking them away so quickly I look like I'm having an epileptic attack.

Joey, Anton and Tita Dodong left yesterday to go back home to Blythe. It was painful. It was heartbreaking, seeing my siblings crying as they held on to their embraces with my aunt and cousins. I could barely speak when I hugged them and said goodbye. I think what made it so difficult was the knowledge that there were no guarantees when we would be with them again, physically speaking. No matter what they say about connectivity and the ease with which we can connect (this is one of the blessings of our generation, I don't deny it), physical presence is still an essential part of a relationship. It isn't complete if one isn't there. There is something about shared experiences that no amount of virtual communication can replace.

I did my best to maintain my composure as we got in the car, drove away and called out one last time to Joey. I wept quietly in the car til my nose was so clogged with snot that I couldn't breathe. It was so surreal that just a few hours ago we were watching video taken in Antique and lauging our heads off; that a few days ago we were together hanging out at Starbucks, a week ago we were enjoying the New Year and the companionship in Cubay with Lola. And then in the blink of an eye, it was all over. It was like being violently pulled from an environment of bliss and left to deal with the pain and sorrow of loss right at that moment. Well it starts at that moment, and then drags on for who knows how long.

I missed them the moment we left. Funny how, when we siblings all converged for dinner that night, we cried again as we each recounted our goodbyes I woke up with swollen eyes this morning). As we did, Joey sent us individual messages, thanking us and extending his love. It was all we could do not to bawl all over again.

I'm blinking again. And I am longing for a hug from the best hugger in the world... Anton. It's going to be a long, difficult next few weeks as we all try to adjust (again) to their absence. Til then I'm sure we'll be re-living the stories and significant moments, no matter how minute, to help us along.

To help me deal with the pain, I take Dr. Seuss's words of wisdom to heart:

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

And I'm doing my best, as I try to blink back the tears.