1. The phrase, "because you're the eldest"
2. Expectations. Sometimes unreasonable ones.
3. Learning the bad news first and being the cushion.
4. Having to break the bad news and be the cushion.
5. Learning about most of the good news and fun things last.
6. Being the family guinea pig.
7. Being accountable for everything, even if you really aren't.
8. Being expected to give more than you can and expect nothing in return.
9. Watching from the sidelines while the rest are part of the action.
10. Having to feel this way because I'm not supposed to say these out loud in the first place.
Sunday, January 27
Thursday, January 24
The Happy
I'm totally energized and motivated again, after a long, long time.
I just finished producing a video for the site, one that's meant to sum up our wins for 2007, and set the direction for 2008. I think I did a pretty good job in conceptualizing, researching and putting it all together (to think I only really learned to edit online a few months ago).
I was risking this. The video was for a major site management event, and I was using FCE -- which no one here has used yet. So I was pretty much on my own in figuring out how I was going to export this and get it to work.
By the time I finished and successfully exported it to a viewable format for the office's systems, I was totally beat, but happy. You know the kind of "happy" you feel when you're part of an initiative you believe in and you throw yourself into the task completely, and then do an exceptional job despite all the odds? It's the kind of "happy" that flows through your spirit and fires you up you feel like spontaneously combusting?
I'm that kind of happy today. It's the happy I've been searching for, longing to feel again since I lost it when 5 and Up was cancelled.
It's the happy that lets you see beyond what you think you're capable of and allows you to reach for something farther, higher.
It's the happy that comes from working on something you believe in, and knowing what you do matters. It makes you love what you're doing. And that love propels you on to something greater.
Like loving yourself and believing in yourself again. I think that's one of the best things to be happy about.
I just finished producing a video for the site, one that's meant to sum up our wins for 2007, and set the direction for 2008. I think I did a pretty good job in conceptualizing, researching and putting it all together (to think I only really learned to edit online a few months ago).
I was risking this. The video was for a major site management event, and I was using FCE -- which no one here has used yet. So I was pretty much on my own in figuring out how I was going to export this and get it to work.
By the time I finished and successfully exported it to a viewable format for the office's systems, I was totally beat, but happy. You know the kind of "happy" you feel when you're part of an initiative you believe in and you throw yourself into the task completely, and then do an exceptional job despite all the odds? It's the kind of "happy" that flows through your spirit and fires you up you feel like spontaneously combusting?
I'm that kind of happy today. It's the happy I've been searching for, longing to feel again since I lost it when 5 and Up was cancelled.
It's the happy that lets you see beyond what you think you're capable of and allows you to reach for something farther, higher.
It's the happy that comes from working on something you believe in, and knowing what you do matters. It makes you love what you're doing. And that love propels you on to something greater.
Like loving yourself and believing in yourself again. I think that's one of the best things to be happy about.
Wednesday, January 16
Happy UP Centennial!
I know nearly two weeks have passed, but I think the UP Centennial deserves a blog post.
I attended the opening ceremonies with my siblings and Benc,and we liked the way the show was put together. Of course, being trained in production, I had something to say about the dead air, and the wait they put people through for the torch ceremony. But overall, it was entertaining. I applaud the researchers for finding a 100-year old alumnus.
The best part of the show for me was seeing so many people there. There were (you could tell) alumni who had come from the office, with their briefcases and laptops in tow. THere were currents students, and families...possibly the parent were alumni and were hoping their kids would someday get in to UP too. It felt like EDSA I...so many people in the streets, dancing, singing, laughing, eating fishballs and manggang hilaw.
We cheered when the PEP Squad performed, and I tingled when we sang UP Beloved. But I absolutely wanted to burn the speakers everytime they played the horrible centennial theme song whose awful language I dare not utter here.
I wish they could have publicised this contest more so that more people could join. I wonder who chose this piece as the winner. It feels so elementary. Too literal. The musicality is amateurish. It's sad. It sounds like a jingle from some cheapo advertisement.
*Sigh*
I doubt if Mr. C or Fides A. or even the Eheads had something to say about this. Kasi if they did, I don't think it would be blaring incessantly that night. Kaya lang it did, and we'll be hearing it all year.
But that's all I have to say about that. I tick that as a minor mishap in the whole celebration. There's so much more to look forward to, and I'll focus my energies on that instead.
So here's to all the Iskos and Iskas, and to their parents who helped make it such an illustrious
100 years. Cheers! Mabuhay ang pag-asa ng Bayan!
I attended the opening ceremonies with my siblings and Benc,and we liked the way the show was put together. Of course, being trained in production, I had something to say about the dead air, and the wait they put people through for the torch ceremony. But overall, it was entertaining. I applaud the researchers for finding a 100-year old alumnus.
The best part of the show for me was seeing so many people there. There were (you could tell) alumni who had come from the office, with their briefcases and laptops in tow. THere were currents students, and families...possibly the parent were alumni and were hoping their kids would someday get in to UP too. It felt like EDSA I...so many people in the streets, dancing, singing, laughing, eating fishballs and manggang hilaw.
We cheered when the PEP Squad performed, and I tingled when we sang UP Beloved. But I absolutely wanted to burn the speakers everytime they played the horrible centennial theme song whose awful language I dare not utter here.
I wish they could have publicised this contest more so that more people could join. I wonder who chose this piece as the winner. It feels so elementary. Too literal. The musicality is amateurish. It's sad. It sounds like a jingle from some cheapo advertisement.
*Sigh*
I doubt if Mr. C or Fides A. or even the Eheads had something to say about this. Kasi if they did, I don't think it would be blaring incessantly that night. Kaya lang it did, and we'll be hearing it all year.
But that's all I have to say about that. I tick that as a minor mishap in the whole celebration. There's so much more to look forward to, and I'll focus my energies on that instead.
So here's to all the Iskos and Iskas, and to their parents who helped make it such an illustrious
100 years. Cheers! Mabuhay ang pag-asa ng Bayan!
Monday, January 7
Blink
I'm doing my best not to weep while I compose this post. Just remembering the events of yesterday makes the tears well up in my eyes and I keep blinking them away so quickly I look like I'm having an epileptic attack.
Joey, Anton and Tita Dodong left yesterday to go back home to Blythe. It was painful. It was heartbreaking, seeing my siblings crying as they held on to their embraces with my aunt and cousins. I could barely speak when I hugged them and said goodbye. I think what made it so difficult was the knowledge that there were no guarantees when we would be with them again, physically speaking. No matter what they say about connectivity and the ease with which we can connect (this is one of the blessings of our generation, I don't deny it), physical presence is still an essential part of a relationship. It isn't complete if one isn't there. There is something about shared experiences that no amount of virtual communication can replace.
I did my best to maintain my composure as we got in the car, drove away and called out one last time to Joey. I wept quietly in the car til my nose was so clogged with snot that I couldn't breathe. It was so surreal that just a few hours ago we were watching video taken in Antique and lauging our heads off; that a few days ago we were together hanging out at Starbucks, a week ago we were enjoying the New Year and the companionship in Cubay with Lola. And then in the blink of an eye, it was all over. It was like being violently pulled from an environment of bliss and left to deal with the pain and sorrow of loss right at that moment. Well it starts at that moment, and then drags on for who knows how long.
I missed them the moment we left. Funny how, when we siblings all converged for dinner that night, we cried again as we each recounted our goodbyes I woke up with swollen eyes this morning). As we did, Joey sent us individual messages, thanking us and extending his love. It was all we could do not to bawl all over again.
I'm blinking again. And I am longing for a hug from the best hugger in the world... Anton. It's going to be a long, difficult next few weeks as we all try to adjust (again) to their absence. Til then I'm sure we'll be re-living the stories and significant moments, no matter how minute, to help us along.
To help me deal with the pain, I take Dr. Seuss's words of wisdom to heart:
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."
And I'm doing my best, as I try to blink back the tears.
Joey, Anton and Tita Dodong left yesterday to go back home to Blythe. It was painful. It was heartbreaking, seeing my siblings crying as they held on to their embraces with my aunt and cousins. I could barely speak when I hugged them and said goodbye. I think what made it so difficult was the knowledge that there were no guarantees when we would be with them again, physically speaking. No matter what they say about connectivity and the ease with which we can connect (this is one of the blessings of our generation, I don't deny it), physical presence is still an essential part of a relationship. It isn't complete if one isn't there. There is something about shared experiences that no amount of virtual communication can replace.
I did my best to maintain my composure as we got in the car, drove away and called out one last time to Joey. I wept quietly in the car til my nose was so clogged with snot that I couldn't breathe. It was so surreal that just a few hours ago we were watching video taken in Antique and lauging our heads off; that a few days ago we were together hanging out at Starbucks, a week ago we were enjoying the New Year and the companionship in Cubay with Lola. And then in the blink of an eye, it was all over. It was like being violently pulled from an environment of bliss and left to deal with the pain and sorrow of loss right at that moment. Well it starts at that moment, and then drags on for who knows how long.
I missed them the moment we left. Funny how, when we siblings all converged for dinner that night, we cried again as we each recounted our goodbyes I woke up with swollen eyes this morning). As we did, Joey sent us individual messages, thanking us and extending his love. It was all we could do not to bawl all over again.
I'm blinking again. And I am longing for a hug from the best hugger in the world... Anton. It's going to be a long, difficult next few weeks as we all try to adjust (again) to their absence. Til then I'm sure we'll be re-living the stories and significant moments, no matter how minute, to help us along.
To help me deal with the pain, I take Dr. Seuss's words of wisdom to heart:
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."
And I'm doing my best, as I try to blink back the tears.
Cousins Congregate
(originally posted on 3 January 2008)
Just got back from another get together with the cousins in Katipunan. This time our cousin, Maia was able to join us! Yipee! We met up at Starbucks Katipunan where we dragged on our Fraps, coffees and teas so we had the licence to sit around.
In between, my brother and Anton battled it out in taunting and tickling matches which eventually led to chases in and out of the cafe. One thing about Anton: he loves to laugh, and he likes being tickled, so he can laugh. He also likes playing make believe games with Ernie, which again make him laugh. He has an infectious giggle, characterized by a series of bouncy falls of his voice that echo within themselves then flow out as a guffaw, as if he was on the verge of an asthma attack. Like all infectious giggles, you can't help but laugh too.
We sat around from 2 pm til around 7, when we trooped next door to Shakey's for dinner. Here the "grown up cousins" either had combo meals, soups and salads and a slice of pizza, while the kids (Bea and Anton) had their pizza. Joey had the bright idea of taking the party to our home, where we were later joined by Tita Acay, Tita Dodong and Tito Raffy.
Today just had to be Friday, when all our labada was hanging in the study to dry. But thankfully watching the wedding video distracted them. Tita Dodong more than most, who cried when Andrei's speech came on. Hahaha. That's always a sure tearjerker. No fail.
We'll be seeing them again tomorrow. We'll do some last-minute shopping, and possibly have dinner together before we bid them goodbye. It was a good holiday, with them here. I'm looking forward to more opportunities to be together. And I have a feeling that they'll be coming more often and sooner than we expect. :-)
Just got back from another get together with the cousins in Katipunan. This time our cousin, Maia was able to join us! Yipee! We met up at Starbucks Katipunan where we dragged on our Fraps, coffees and teas so we had the licence to sit around.
In between, my brother and Anton battled it out in taunting and tickling matches which eventually led to chases in and out of the cafe. One thing about Anton: he loves to laugh, and he likes being tickled, so he can laugh. He also likes playing make believe games with Ernie, which again make him laugh. He has an infectious giggle, characterized by a series of bouncy falls of his voice that echo within themselves then flow out as a guffaw, as if he was on the verge of an asthma attack. Like all infectious giggles, you can't help but laugh too.
We sat around from 2 pm til around 7, when we trooped next door to Shakey's for dinner. Here the "grown up cousins" either had combo meals, soups and salads and a slice of pizza, while the kids (Bea and Anton) had their pizza. Joey had the bright idea of taking the party to our home, where we were later joined by Tita Acay, Tita Dodong and Tito Raffy.
Today just had to be Friday, when all our labada was hanging in the study to dry. But thankfully watching the wedding video distracted them. Tita Dodong more than most, who cried when Andrei's speech came on. Hahaha. That's always a sure tearjerker. No fail.
We'll be seeing them again tomorrow. We'll do some last-minute shopping, and possibly have dinner together before we bid them goodbye. It was a good holiday, with them here. I'm looking forward to more opportunities to be together. And I have a feeling that they'll be coming more often and sooner than we expect. :-)
Thursday, January 3
Celebrating one of the best Holidays ever!
It's a little fishing town in Antique, a province known for being one of the gateways to Boracay. Simple, remote, extremely slow. It's such an effort to get to, but we persevere, for in this tiny town sits a house big in love.The house is Lola's, and all my mom's sisters', and all my cousins'. We congregated here for the new year, with some of us making the trip soon after the 25th of December and others catching up the following weekend. This year was more than special because it's the first time in three years that one of my aunts would be home with my cousins. Tita Dodong, Joey and Anton arrived last month and spent the holidays here. So we tried to get (almost) everyone together to spend the new year there.
So what did we do in the days leading up to the festivities? We played Cranium, ate every two to three hours, watched movies, told stories, ate every two to three hours, talked around the table, ate every
two to three hours, played tickling games, watched videos, ate every two to three hours, cooked, ate every two to three hours, and just had fun being with one another. This was a rare treat, because the family was almost compete.It was a rare treat as well for Benc and me, because we didn't have to pick up after ourselves for a change. Someone cooked for us, even prepared coffee for us. We could sit in the garden all day and not think of anything. We entertained ourselves by drawing pictures with felt-tipped pens on our littlest cousins.
In my Lola's house, we get to be the spoiled brats we all want to be. We are allowed to laze in the lanai to our heart's content, raid the fridge, empty out the junk food storage cabinets, and sleep. The environment allows us to explore. We can walk to the beach and watch the sunsets. We see stars at night, breathe in clean air in the
morning (if we get up before 11 am) and all day long. Since I am the eldest of the cousins, and the first one to be married, there is a slight apart-ness from the rest. But this is all right. In fact, it's quite expected. Besides my siblings, I don't really have a kabarkada my age among my cousins. But I do have baby cousins to dote on, and this is what I enjoy the most.I enjoy watching them play and hearing their innocent though acerbic banter. It's surprising what 6 to 10 year olds can say these days. Definitely, each generation is smarter than the previous one. I also enjoy seeing my siblings and my cousin Joey's reunion. They were the tightest gang. It was heartwarming to see them all fooling around the house, the way they used to when they were kids. It brings back feelings of security and fun and friendship. I also made it a point to join my aunts and Lola at breakfast so I could hear their stories and tell some of my own. I don't know why (and my siblings sometimes don't get it) I en
joy sitting with them even though I don't necessarily agree with most of their opinions. I suppose I like the connection and animated exchanges. Plus, they're not really the kind of aunts and uncles who are of the "seen and not heard" school of thought. They engage me, and I take that as a sign of respect. Oh! How age and time make one wax nostalgic. Indulge me. It's just that these are rare moments, and we don't really know when this can happen again. And I am attempting to cling to the few moments of relaxation and comfort I had before I plunge headlong into my daily routines again. You can say I'm having holiday hangover. I wish I had a better camera, and more energy to capture every image. I should start investing in a video camera, and soon.
At least my phone has some photos, and I find myself clicking through the gall
ery to review the photos and try to remember the conversations that took place behind those frozen frames. I can't help but retell the stories, and for Benc to add to them. It's as if these help us recharge. I'm hoping the energy gained will be enough to get me through the next three difficult months.I missed my cousins and Lola and aunts the moment I bid them goodbye. I hope to return when we get back from Oz. Though it would only be less than a year, it's funny how you realize how much time one didn't spend with others when you were closer geographically. The time spent with them in those 4 short days suddenly become more meaningful. But then I don't think I would have it any other way; it makes everything more priceless, and every new opportunity to visit more exciting. Little town, big love. It's one of the best vacations I've had. I can't wait to have more.
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