i'm worried sometimes about the future, because i still don't quite have a concrete vision of where i see myself, even in 5 years, career-wise. it's scary--i think i've said that before. it's frightening not to have focus. that's what i think is at the heart of this dillema. and it's something that's not easy to get out of.

i know what i want: to have a family, live comfortably, travel, be healthy, be happy. but these feel quite far away. how to get there, sometimes, i still have no idea. i've tried listing them down but sometimes when i do, it all seems so impossible. i think this is because sometimes i have so many other things to consider. other people kind of depend on me and EXPECT me to deliver. i mean, if that isn't a permanent guilt trip, i don't know what is.

I get really angry sometimes, because of this. it's like i'm expected to come up with a solution for them at this very instant. nevermind if i was putting my time or money away for something that i want or need. they need it and they need it now, and most of the time there's really nothing you can do. you can't turn them away because they're the reason you're here. you have no choice.

so i get really mad and i want to kick and scream. mostly i just want to run away. often i wish i was alone. and i take up the search again to find my own space. then i think about what i have to spend to do that and i feel guilty because suddenly a part of my mind says, what if they suddenly need help again and they come to you? will you have money left over to give to them? what a selfish person you are, running off and getting an apartment when you could've used that money to help them instead.

and then i buckle and suddenly i'm trapped all over again.

so it's not very easy to get out of. and i go on feeling bad and depressed and lost all over again. i get so sad because suddenly the things i want seem to drift farther and farther away. my goals are put on hold. and life is purposeless.

the inertia is overwhelming. at the rate i'm going i don't know if i'll ever get to where i want to be in this millenium. i don't want to be trapped anymore. but i don't know how to get out. i want to get out! oh god i do. i hope i don't get pushed back anymore with the new plans i'm making because if i do i feel i will be stuck here forever.