For some reason the song Square One by Tom Petty resonated with me tonight. "It took a world of troubles, took a lot of tears. It took a long time to get back here." I heard those words and suddenly thought of acknowledging my own company and how I am learning to enjoy being with me.
I guess like most human beings, having been conditioned to expect other people to keep you company, i was afraid of being alone for such a long time. All of a sudden it was difficult to see past tomorrow, and I was losing sight of The Dream. Funny how, I used to claim I was independent but at the first instance of solitude I cracked. I couldn't function and I was threatening to spiral downward into myself. It's a scary thing, but it also offered a macabre comfort. Think of yourself lying at the bottom of a deep well, in a puddle of cold water and deep asleep.
I told as much to the Divas over breakfast this morning, and how that little book my boss gave me two years ago helped me so much. My confidence and serenity may not be restored in a week or a month but what is important to me is that I am actually, consciously working towards it. And it feels so much better than the damp of self pity.
For the past few days I am actually waking up with a smile on my face, and I seem to be eating better, though still not as much as I used to. I am eager to start swimming again, and I take each day as it comes. Not everything will go my way but I've learned not to fight it, just to accept it and be thankful I was there to witness it.
It will only happen once. Better be ready to enjoy it, right?
And I enjoy it best when I am connected to me, and I am aware of everything good. And when that happens, I realize I am not alone at all.
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