I wonder what it is. Sometimes there are days when I'm perfectly okay and then in a wink my whole mood changes. Everything becomes ... disjointed. Thoughts seem to cloud the sunshine that was there. These are thoughts that have to do with worth and woe. Maybe these are thoughts that don't really mean anything, but they manage to transform me instantly. Then the familiar feeling of dread creeps in. It's akin to uncertainty and sadness at not being able to do one thing or another, or not being the person you hoped to be. These thoughts sometimes have to do with questions like, where am I and where am I headed with all this? Is this the right place/ Am I the right person? Is this where I should really be? Is this what I should be doing now?
And then thoughts turn to the future: maybe things will get worse, may I'm really searching for something I'll never find, maybe that elusive one thing is what will make me totally okay. Then another problem surfaces: what is that "one thing"? After all that has happened, I wonder if I'm the only one searching for my one thing. Sometimes I feel so disappointed with myself for feeling this way. I feel like such an ingrate. Like I'm so selfish. Sometimes I know I make others feel bad, simply because I can't get to my one thing, and lay the blame on the people who love me ... parang napagbubuntunan ba. And it's not fair.
I wonder if these are just mood swings or if this is a permanent condition of incompleteness. Uncertainty of incompleteness. Dreadful self-fulfilling prophecies emerging. Disappointment at not achieving more, being more; frustration at constantly searching, comparing, and most of the time, not measuring up.
Have I done too little, or have I done enough?
2 comments:
dearest data,
sometimes, asking ourselves too many questions could end up being burdensome instead of enlightening.
they will lead you to nowhere especially when they are not important thoughts at this moment in your life.
let me tell you this: despite the challenges you're going through, i can see that you have a beautiful life right now. love it.
you have everything to make it perfect and complete :)
love,
nikko
Hi Data,
Back when I was lost and depressed and all kinds of shitty things and complaining about the same thing, a friend told me that we are all in the exact place that we are meant to be.
And I realised that was so true when we were talking about serendipity. Because a lot of things would have never happened had I been living the life of purpose, meaning, independence at the time when I wasn't.
Have faith that this is where you are supposed to be.
One of my favorite poets (Rainer Maria Rilke) said:
"I would like to beg you... as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
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