What

I think I kind of know what it is. I'm not sure. Maybe. It's such a burden to bringing around, this---whatever you call it. Some people call it dark clouds encircling your spirit. Others call it a deadweight hanging from your heart. Sometimes it just feels like this big fat pillow smothering your face and you find it impossible to breathe, and difficult to think. You're in a panic and you lie still, struggling and immobile at the same time.

What it is, I think, is just plain fear. Fear to do anything. Fear of...failing. Fear of making someone else unhappy. Fear of trying so hard but ending up disappointed. Fear of being taken advantage of. Fear of trusting people...again--because they were the ones who broke your trust in the first place.

And that fear just grips you, until you're standing stock still in a corner trying to rationalize the reasons why you are afraid, what you'd do--your escape route. You pick everything to the bones and try to find the reason why when there really isn't any, and it just is. But you force yourself to believe there's a reason, even when there isn't and you end up feeling stupid and a failure all over again.

Sometimes there are moments when you're lucid and you realize you've been acting silly. You realize everything is just a matter of mindset and you feel okay. But you're living in constant fear of that dark cloud returning, that deadweight getting heavier. And then the fear is fed.

It cyclic, it's draining, it's insane almost. And I get so tired of it and I want to get out of it but for some reason I kept being held back. Let me complain a bit: *sigh* It's just that I'm so tired of trying to be everyone to other people. I end up being nothing to myself. And I get so lost, I don't know where to turn because people have gotten tired of me (I think). I miss the girl who used to think she could be this and that, who could take pictures and enjoy the process, who can spend time alone and not brood, but dream.

I want to enjoy what I'm doing, where I am now, who I'm with, whenever I want to...without the guilt. I want to be happy with me. I don't think that's too much to ask. If people would just let me, then maybe I could. If I could just take this next step, then perhaps I will be okay in time for my wedding day.