Thoughts

i'm afraid of molds. i'm paranoid that i might breathe in so much that it'll eat up my face. this dang apartment is moist...or maybe it;s my fault that it doesn't get sufficient airing. that's why the moisture gets trapped. i'm paranoid that my clothes are filled with them. ugh! mental note: research how to get rid of molds.
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bottomline is i need to spend more time here. which is why i scheduled a strategic leave next week to do just that. so that i can really feel the pulse of this place. i don;t know my own neighborhood. a lot of my stuff's still unorganized and stuck inside other containers, GATHERING MOLD! damn!

i also want to sort through my stuff and buy frames so i can hang them around here. so it looks lived-in. but they'll have to be compatible with what will happen in renaissance. or should i be even making that a concern right now?
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having said that. i wonder what i'll do with my old stuff in tandang sora? i should start sorting through them and tidying up, discarding stuff and sorting through stuff i will want to bring with me. maybe i can do that over the christmas holidays. or new year, while everyone else will be in bugasong for the new year.

i won't be going. i have to stay put. more out of the cosmic considerations than money, really. and i feel comfortable that way actually. but i will miss everyone.
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gad, i feel as if there are fibers growing inside my nostrils!
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i feel the changes. though they're still quite far from happening yet, i can feel them. nothing will be the same, and though i do feel a twinge of guilt (where there should be none really) i think it's time we all experienced it. we've been too comfortable, sometimes too complacent, for so long. it's time we get a jolt.

i know i will miss them all so terribly. this is the part they never talk about. this is the part that never gets shown in the movies or the part you never read about in books. but someone has to talk about it. or else we'll all think it;s an easy road to take. when in reality, it;s one of the most difficult transitions.

well, for me anyway. i guess i was one of the lucky ones who had so many loving people around me growing up. i wish that for all those reading this, for all those about to have families of their own...that the children are constantly surrounded by people who will love and care for them and will never hurt them.

i will miss them, and there are times, like now, when i feel i want to take them all with me. but that's not the way it works. you have to cut off a grown branch from a tree for it to grow more foliage. then you graft that cut-off branch to make a new tree. you can't take the old tree with you. but can be planted very nearby, where its arms will easily reach out to the other in shade and comfort and love.

i guess the reason no one ever talked about this part is because it was so difficult to explain. and though there may have been some who tried, they probably never finished because they couldn't continue through all the tears as they poured their hearts out.

that's how hard it is.
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i found a yoga center that's cheaper than those around the ortigas area, and in the gyms. i have to call them tomorrow. The Yoga Maamo center has been around since 1967 in SIkatuna VIllage! Imagine that! They mentioned they can hold special sessions in other venues. Astig! I can't wait!
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i need to go to the gym. haven't been back in almost two months. which is bad, because i'm throwing money away. i can't seem to get a good rhythm for my gym time. i feel like i just want to be with baby in my activities. knowing he's there waiting always makes me think twice. i know it shouldn't but, i end up always with a reason for not going. darn. but when i do get to do gym, i find i still enjoy it.

sigh. what to do?
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i have a headache. i wonder if it's from thinking too much. maybe. i think.