The New Year is Here!

Only four hours til tomorrow, and then we cook, clean and wait for 2006 to come.

It's my first new year away from my original family...all of them are in Bugasong; at this very minute, they're probably celebrating the grand family reunion. Then tomorrow they'll be celebrating the new year in Cubai. It's our first time apart during the holidays, and though the thought makes me wistful sometimes, I figured, it's never too early to start, huh? The day they left, I was sad. And I was crying. I guess I didn't want to admit I missed them and tried to be a big girl and handle it. But I missed them and I had to allow myself to feel that way, like the little girl I felt I was inside. It was difficult to admit it and grow up at the same time, but when I finally let myself go, I felt better.

In the days that followed, I started feeling nostalgic. I was thinking: so I'm no longer part of those late-night dinner table talks, organically-developed one liners, and private jokes. I really won't be there to hear abouth their days anymore, hear stories about work and school, tell stories of my own.

I know I bitched on some days about living with them still, but when it all comes down to it, it kind of evens out---for all the times you wished you were away from them, you now wish you were never left out of anything once you were away. How funny human nature is. What "God" said on Bruce Almighty last night was right: "Since when did people have any idea about what they want?" You never really know til you finally know.

Then again, they are family, and no one really is left out of a family, are they? No matter how far you've been for how long, you will always find a chair at the table, a place on the couch, a bed to pass the night, loving company that never felt your absence, because in truth, you probably never really were absent from their lives.

Family will always be with you, that's what I realized. You miss the physical presence, you miss seeing them and hearing the stories, but you will always be a part of their lives, everyday, albeit in different ways. It's like, they're taking a group picture and you're not there. But once the photos come out, you'll find a spot where you should have been, where you can stick or superimpose an image of yourself...eventhough you're really not, lest you ruin the photograph.

But the important thing is, you are present in them, as they are in you, this year and all the years thereafter. I apologize for this cathartic expression of separation anxiety. I guess it's normal. I hope this is normal. And I hope to return to normal again soon.

Thank God for Benc, he keeps me balanced.

Happy 2006! Increase the Peace!