In Zen, they insist on removing the ego altogether. Practitioners say it is the root of suffering. Without it, they say, we human beings would better be able to flow with the changing tides.
Unfortunately, my ego is still quite strong. It refuses to accept the recent turn of events and is looking for a way to to rebel, paralyzing my brain, short-circuiting my body, pulling me into myself. Picture a scruffy-looking person inside a jagged cavity of some dark cave. That's how I feel.
Up until a few days ago, my spirit was sunbathing. My mind was a-buzz with activity and ideas, so much so that I could barely sleep. I could hardly wait to get up and go the next day. Nevermind my aching back or the numbness in my legs. I was on the moment my alarm went off at 4 in the morning.
But now the numbness is encompassing. My ego has put up a wall, and has switched off the sun; I just want to crouch in the shadows and nurse the pain. Hopefully it goes away. Hopefully I come out of this okay.
The one thing I am trying to do now is to tame my ego and carry on. Nothing good comes out of moping. Doing so only feeds the ego some more. I know I make my own happiness and destiny. So maybe this is a point where I have to make a choice.
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