Still in denial, I suppose, about how the coming year will be very different. This is change in a major way. I am trying to ease myself into it; sometimes I refuse to step into that possibility at all. I know I am risking a major breakdown.
But if I do let myself go now, I also risk putting a damper on the days I have left with the Hubby before he leaves for Oz. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. So I carry on like it's any other day. But in the back of my head, there is a big and nimble shadow of loneliness threatening to grab me at a moment's sign of weakness.
I get exhausted trying to think about not thinking of it. I try to put myself in the now and not in the future, when I am alone. I get disheartened when I realize there will be a lot of things I will endure by myself, without him beside me. I get frightened when I know, eventually I will be waking up alone.
They say the months will go by very fast. I don't know how to "picture" that speed. From where I am the days already seem interminable. I can only hope I can keep myself together long enough to see myself through the next three months without him, and finding my way to Oz to be with him again.
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