and so the countdown begins. it's six and a half days before Benc leaves for Adelaide. I haven't been feeling well since this morning: queasy tummy, lightheaded, a heavy heart, all after getting the news this morning. You'd think I was handed some dooming news. I know we should be more excited. But the prospect of being so far apart for three months makes the whole adventure feel like a a trip of dread.
We've known that this would come to pass for a whole year. But I suppose, until we knew with certainty when the departure date would be, we kind of let it slip from our consciousness from time to time. As if it was some far-off possibility. But inevitable. And yet not concrete.
But after this morning, it feels as if the world suddenly shuddered and turned antartic side up. it is exciting, it is a new adventure. the sucky thing is one of us gets left behind. and i hate being left behind. after all the routines we set together, i am now going to experience them alone. after filling this house with his presence, i am left to find a way to fill the void in my mind and my heart. who will i talk to in the dead of night, or after a long horrible day at school? who will ask me what's wrong the moment i walk in the door with a sour expression on my face?
i keep telling myself to grow up and to listen when people say 3 months will be over before i know it. i want to believe it. it's something to hold on to when i feel myself overcome with loneliness. oh there will be work, i will find a way to keep busy. but i will have to wean myself from seeking his arms to rest in when i am tired.
it will not be easy, that's the reality. and i will have to face it. somehow i will find a way to stay sane before another set of goodbyes are said and another rush of tears blur the horizon.
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