Whirlwinds

I feel like I've been jumping into one after the other, both physically and mentally. Emotionally too I guess. I'm getting whirred around in several spirals of change and it's a struggle to switch from one mindset to another, to be in two places at a time, to feel several different emotions in one breath.

I blink and I'm at the Bank. And things there are all about trying to get the project started, trying to see where and how to fit in. Then it wooshes past when talk turns to organizing the DigSol office and we're swept up in the purchasing and fixing up, the trips back and forth, the decisions that have to be consulted and made on the spot. It's all a great big mental drain. Then there's Bubba and the new house. He's consumed by preparations and furniture and appliance delivery. Washing clothes and installing cable wires and range hoods have taken up his time.

Things have changed drastically here. He's farther away from me now, and we go home separately. I take the train north, he takes a 5-minute trip eastwards. I do get home earlier, but sometimes that's a place I'd rather be away from. For now. It's draining me naman spiritually. I will still go home but I rarely feel relaxed. My mind is wide awake. It forces me to think about how to fix stuff, but can't. Sometimes it just feels suffocating, when you think about all the things that are facing you. It feels like you're constantly running after it to fix it, but it always gets away. And you keep running, and you're so exhausted. But you have no choice.

The only respite was Bubba and those drives home when I could talk to him and find some clarity from within the mire I'm drowning in. Sometimes I would find a solution from watching the city zoom past, and there's be a minute oasis of peace. Even for just a moment. And I'd hold on to that moment and feel so much better.

Sometimes I feel so cut up already. Sometimes I just feel lost and just want to throw it all out the window. There are times when I think that everyone else is given a chance and I've missed mine. I've just come out of one whirlwind then I'm thrown into another and then when that's done, another one starts again.

So many times the sobs threaten to just escape but I keep them in there. Maybe if I can hold them back long enough things will be in order. Though I don't know how long that will be. There's always another whirlwind around the corner.