Growing Up-Goodbyes

I should start somewhere. Maybe I should talk about my headache. I've had it for the past two days. It could be caused by one, or a combination of, the following:

1. Lack of sleep. I get up at 5.45 in the morning to beat the mad crwds at the MRT station. Work til 8 pm then go home via MRT again when the mad crowd has gone.
2. PMS
3. Anxiety from moving out.
4. Setting up the company's marketing department while trying to make more sales.
5. Trying to not miss my family.
6. Trying not to worry too much.
7. Worrying too much.

It could be a combination of all these, or it could be all this. I know that the one thing that's making my heart ache is leaving my siblings.

[TOINK!] Leaving?
Yep leaving. I'm moving out. I've found my own place, and I start hauling my stuff on Saturday.

Tomorrow.

All this week I was sad because I had fears that being physically separated would mean being uninvolved, forgotten, distant. I was afraid that because I wasn't there with them anymore, I was going to be an "other" person. I cried about it. I woke in the middle of several nights thinking about it. I've worried about it. But this morning, on our way to school, my sisters seemed happy for me. They were excited and talking about possibilities, and I felt reassured.

Reassured that though I would be missed, I would still be part of their lives. I didn't bank on this being the most difficult part of leaving. After all the things we had been through together: extreme poverty, being separated, our parents' break-up, starting over. I was remembering all those dinners I would be (actually have been) missing, the late-night kwentos, the weekend veg-out sessions. It's always difficult leaving the people you grew up with. So I started questioning myself again, this decision to do things on my own: what for? Why spend more when you're getting married anyway? Why live away from them when you're perfectly all right and pampered at home? Why live away from the people you love, and the people you know will love you no matter what?

I began to hedge, almost didn't make the downpayment, put off calling the condominium's admin officer. Benc tried to reason with me. He tried to reming me of my plans to practice independence, the plans we had when we lived closer, the business possibilities when we were in the same area making things happen. Most of all he reminded me of my life goals, and my list of things to do before I got married.

Today I remembered why I had to do it: precisely because everything in my mom's house was safe, I was pampered, we were always all right. It's not like that in all cases, especially when I start to make my own home. Plus I've always wanted to be totally independent: doing my own laundry, caring for my own space, no househelp to run to, clean my own bathroom, wash my own clothes, prepare my own food. I do my share of the housework, don't get me wrong. But it's different when you know that, if you don't feel like it, there'll always be someone to pick up after you. There'll always be laundry done for you, plates washed, rooms swept.

I've always wanted to step out of that comfort zone and see firsthand what it's all about. But I want to do it on my own, make it a success or failure that is dependent all on me. I know I'm going to experience it when I get married, but I want go it alone first.

Today I was reassured I could do it precisely because of the people I would be leaving: I knew they would love me no matter what. I knew they would support me in whatever I needed to do for myself. My siblings were excited about helping decorate the room I would be leaving, and the studio I'd be moving into. I know they're behind me 101% and they're happy for me. My mom's worrying as usual, but she understands. My dad said, "that's great!"

I feel I can do anything as long as I have these people behind me, and nothing anybody will ever think or say will matter.

So now my headache has subsided. I'm feeling better, thanks in part to Biogesic. And thanks a great deal to the people who have made my life so full and rich.