Watching the evening drawing on together

It took a lot to get to the weekend, but I'm glad we persevered.

Bubba and I just got back from a refreshing and re-enforcing Discovery Weekend seminar! While we're both not at all religious and have our own ideas about spirituality not necessarily congruent with those of the Catholic church, I was happy to see that the organizers of this seminar were very open-minded about this. Even the priest who said the mass was open about pre-marital sex being a staple of relationship. He was very candid about the issue of Catholic worship (Your life will be your ministry. The way you live will be the expression of your spirituality, whatever it is!).

I liked that we had a "timeless" weekend just focusing on each other and exploring topics that we are not able to discuss wholly--because there's always another phone call to answer or an important email to write. It was a weekend dedicated lang to one another and it was a really good feeling.

Like I told Glo, the retreat I think helped me more than the relationship, since there was never anything wrong in the relationship in the first place. There was so much I was carrying all by myself, and in an effort to not burden him, I kept most of my deepest hurts from Bubba. But in the end, I would project all of the bad feeling on him. This actually spoiled things and made me feel worse.

I think it was all about finding myself in myself. So many events in the past three years have severely eroded my self-esteem and my unshakeable resolve in my decisions. I lost that certainty before, and when I found it again in Bubba I was so afraid to lose it. It created many fears in me that paralyzed me and made me sink deeper. There are days when I feel there is no end in sight for these pains. I've been suffering this way eversince.

But the weekend gave me a different view. It taught me where to look, and what to look at. Most especially it showed me what I had to look forward to. It was like being given a glass of cool clear water on a humid and sticky day. Like waking up after a long sleep. And the great thing was all of these feelings came to me as I wrapped in Bubba's arms through our talks, our meals, our walks. He is the greatest treasure of my life.

It takes a great upheaval in your spirit to realize how much good there is in you, and how much there is to be thankful for in the world. I'm lucky that through all of my upheavals, he was there to hold my hand and cheer me on. I can't wait to spend forever with him!