Guilt.
I feel guilty that, being the eldest, I left my mom to take care of my other siblings. I feel guilty that I left my siblings to fend for themselves. I feel guilty that I know my mom misses me and I am letting her feel that way everynight. I feel guilty I don't get to see my family everyday.
Maybe that's why I'm finding it hard to adjust. Because I am finding it difficult to let go also. Talk about not wanting to grow up like my mother, haha! Here I am trying to wiggle out of her loving grasp, and now that I'm free, I feel like I can't release the invisible umbilical cord. :-D Isn't it ironic?
I know they will tell me to stop feeling guilty about nothing, to stop making big issues out of thin air, to just enjoy myslef. But somehow, I am finding it difficult. I was so used to sharing everyhting growing up, becuase we never really had much money and everyone had to always "leave some for others." Everything from bed space to clothes, to junk food to pad paper for school...everything had to be divided equally among everybody. Now that I have these great big things and experiences to myself, I feel guilty that I am the only one experiencing it. I'm the only one na nakikinabang. And that makes me feel like I'm such a selfish person.
But I know they'll all hit me on the head and say, STOP IT! Live your life! You deserve it! :) And that makes me teary-eyed because I miss them more when I think about it. They'll tell me I'm stupid for feeling guilty for something I worked for and something they're so excited about for me. Crazy, this thing about family relationships.
You never outgrow them.
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Going home tonight, after an office party Bubba and I are hosting for the DS gang. Well whaddaya know? It's Friday, and I survived my first week away from home! :-D That's something to proud of, ain't it? And I hope, just like Marj says, the transition will get easier. Thanks Marj!
3 comments:
It will get better, in time! Enjoy it! Buti nga ikaw folks are just MRT ride away. Take care.
ah... the Ate Syndrome... felt that way too when i moved. don't worry data, you'll get over it.
i agree with glo, at least they're only an MRT ride away! hope things are starting to settle na!
hi data! i felt the same way when i moved out and rented my own unit. my mom and i are really close and it was hard knowing she's always thinking about me and my safety. i'm sure it'll get easier in time. atleast it won't be as hard when you do get married already :D take care!
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