suddenly everything is unsure again. just when i thought work would start to flow smoothly and worries could be left behind, here come the winds of uncertainty again.
i'm quiet again, the way i always get when i'm worried and anxious to the bone. please understand me: i'm the kind of person who values harmony and balance in life, and if one thing is out of sync, suddenly my universe tilts precariously. it's like i'm outside myself, and i desire to see the picture from above, as if i were floating above the surface of the turmoil and i could see where the knots are and try to untangle them. sometimes i wish i could fly that way.
the problem is, i'm in the middle of it, and things need to be sorted out not by me but by other authorities, and that's what's making me anxious. because it's out of my hands.
i guess some people would say, "well, let it go, then if it's out of your hands". i wish it was as easy as that. i wish i felt no responsibility for doing so. i wish i felt no fear.
but i do. i wish i didn't but it's always been difficult for me not to worry. sometimes i think if i don't worry it means i wasn't concerned about it, and it usually means i didn't try to do anything to solve it. worry sometimes gets the best of me and it's difficult for me to shake off. it's a weakness. and i am weak today.
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